I'M NOT A DUMB BELL

STARTING OVER

2007-10-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

Question > How many times can one start over? Answer > Till one gets it right.

So here I am again, not sure what my weight is for today, but a couple of days ago I weighed in at 233.4 lb's so I would imagine that I'm somewhere in that ball park give or take a pound or two butt naked. Even so I'll weigh in before going to bed and again at the start of my day.

I started my weight loss program today and so far so good. I'm doing deal a meal again, hey I know it works and I know that I can do it without having to do a whole lot of work. I can basically eat whatever I like, and apply a card to it and I like the fact that it is what it is, when the cards or done, or the move it slots are closed, that's it, your done eating. A no brain-er for sure. (I had to purchase deal a meal again, only this time I bid on the food mover pocket calculator because I know I have deal a meal cards in a box, somewhere in the garage) I prefer the cards, but the mover over gadget works just as well. It's just a different angel towards doing the same exact thing.

Anyway, I'll weigh in tomorrow. And I'll start my video blog today.

Ok, Eats:
Breakfast: 1 slice bread, (1 starch) spread of marg. (1 fat) 1 oz 95 % FF deli ham. (1 protein) 1 cup yogurt with aspartame sweetener. (1 milk) 1 glass water. (Getting it down is hard)

Lunch: 1 small fruit cup, ( 1 fruit) 2 slices bread, (2 starch) spread of marg (count as above fat total, 1 tsp) 1 oz 95% FF deli ham. (1 p
Water. (Raving up to drink a glass)

Snack: 1 small side salad. (freebie) FF dressing (1 fat) 1 orange (1 fruit)

Changes
On a soda, juices and sugar in my coffee detox for 7 days. Switched to more fat free items, switched from whole milk to 2%
Eating more fruit and vegetables,

OK RESULTS PLEASE!

2007-09-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know I haven't posted the cholesterol results, hmm not sure why since they were <100 which is really GOOD, in fact the pharmacist said that I won the cookie reward for the day, strange how he didn't produce one after having said it. Anyway I was straving since I hadn't eaten all morning because it was a 12.30 lunch time appointment.

I'm not sure what I ate later on that day.

I'm bigger now than I ever have been, I haven't weighed in, but the need to confirm what I already know to be the truth just isn't there.

I'm going to start a vidoe blog called Changing face. And I'll up load a bulk of them all at once, let you know when though.

Diet....... Hmm I have something up my sleeve.

Will write soon......... I'm still here. Getting a grip!

SO THIS IS IT

2007-09-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

It's the , the day before the and as of midnight tonight, nothing goes in my mouth food wise until after I get my cholesterol check done. And then it's on. small deliberate steps towards healthy weight loss.

Truthfully there really isn't anything much for me to report until then, because I haven't weighed in in God knows how long, so without a doubt the numbers on the scale should be real interesting tomorrow.

I'm sleepy a lot, going to bed much to late........ And the book, has gone to the place where books that once held interest go to die. Hey I'm a Gemini what can I say.

But one thing for sure, this cholesterol check is as a result of reading it, this mentally relaxing time out is a result of reading it. My mental preparation over these last weeks have been a result of reading it, so it is nothing without reward.

Tomorrow I'll have all the numbers in hand, and I'll proceed from there.

Come visit.....

Until then, keep jiggy with it.

I HAVE ANKLES

2007-08-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

Update, nothing new to report, I'm still waiting for my cholesterol test to be taken, still eating everything I want. I have all my exercise equipment together. Still preparing mentally. I'm still reading chapter 3, I wasn't kidding when I said this was going to be a slow read. But pacing isn't without reason and so I'm ok with it.

I have a little over 2 weeks to go before I start working the program, as in diet and exercise. And when the measurement, weights, cholesterol stats etc are all in, that's the day I begin. September 13, 2007.

Ending on a high note, at least for me, laugh! I have ankles today.

The discovery came when I went to the bathroom, after spending a penny on the royal throne, I bent forward then down, in order to scoop my extra large knickers up from around my ankles and there they were, ankles, MY ANKLES, Not my normal cankles, but real smaller than cankles, ankles. I couldn't help looking at them through the tunnel sized holes of each side of my under ware. Twisting and turning them, as I peeked at them from every angle, I was happier than a pig in sh*t. I can tell you, (Excuse my Farm lingo.)
Because Whadda know for the first time in a long time, I don't have water retention.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, laughing!

I FEEL REALLY REALLY

2007-08-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

FAT!!!!!

YU SO CRAZZZZZZZZZZZYYYY

2007-08-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Girl yu so crazyyyyy! At least that's how I feel for today.

1. I'm going to be officiating over a marriage ceremony in September and I'm fat.
2. And because I'm fat I dread having my pictures taken for the event.
3. That makes me want to pull a diet out of my weight loss diet quick fix hat..
4. A diet that will make me loose lets see, 60 lbs by the time the wedding comes around.
5. But, I'm not loosing weight I'm gaining. I wonder why?
6. I'm still on chapter 3 of the book.
7. Because I'm still slow reading, so that I can Pace myself and get the right frame of mind in my approach to this program, although at times it's hard for me to understand why.
8. And my cholesterol test isn't until September 13th. Hence the reason behind my delayed start.

Girl yu so crazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyy!

Truth is, every single time that I've focused on a weight loss program, I've awaited moments like these when I could just EAT anything and everything if and whenever I wanted to. But now that I can and I am eating everything that I want to, whenever I want to, I can't help but feel totally weird about it. There are times when I feel really guilty and I can't help but feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do, like there's some hard and fast rule amongst dieters, a code of honor that I'm being disloyal to, especially when I read other weight loss blogs and every one is loosing weight or feeling bad about having gained .5 lbs. What's crazy is that I'm not loosing by choice. UH! not loosing by choice? so you mean to say that we could choose to loose 60 lbs in 6 weeks if we all wanted to? Nawwwwwww! that's not what I mean, what I mean is, that I have made a choice to just Eat and read. For a while and that isn't the norm for someone that really wants to loose weight. Can you say, Girl yu so crazyyyyyyyyy?

Yeah, I know that I could cut back and just watch what I eat until this program kicks in, but there's a part of me that is committed to doing it Kirsch's way or not at all, yet even I can't kid myself into thinking that actively doing the 6 week challenge is supposed to be drawn out over 4 weeks until the reader starts. Nope I don't think that's what he had in mind for the reader, but I can't help but feel that if Kirsch knew that even in reading the first two chapters I fully comprehend the mental preparation that is needed to get started he wouldn't frown on the fact that I'm getting all my ducks in a row which is something I've never really done before. The rational behind this time table is simply this, I want and it is important to me that I follow the program with a clear and sound mind, I've discarded the old way of doing things, I'm totally open and ready to try his methods without twisting is recommendations to benefit me in the short term but do me more harm in the long. I've made a grounded and sound commitment to follow his program whole heartedly, without all of the fluff and glam that comes with a fanfare announcement to myself and to whoever cares to hear what program I'm on. Even in Blogging trust me when I say that it takes a lot to swim against the tide when everyone else is swimming in the same direction. But since I've completely done away with the I'll start on Monday mindset. And I've eliminated the Crash this diet quick fix diets, in fact I'm done with the I'm on a diet sentence completely, the last thing that I want to do is to rush through the book and just be totally out of my element because I did it, just so that I can say, I'm loosing weight. I'm tired of pushing myself into a square hole when I have a apple shaped body.

I have so been there and done that, that it's old already. Something has to change, and although I can't say that this program will work with a 100% commitment in my voice, I can say that I'm giving it a chance to work because I'm giving it 100% I mean I'm getting my Cholesterol checked to take part in a weight loss and exercise program. That isn't me. Or at least it wasn't me, but now since reading Kirsch, it suddenly appears that is is me and it's as important to me as loosing weight and getting fit and healthy is. Hmm I like that realization.

Girl yu so crazzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy!

I'm up to 232.5 lbs now, which is 2 lbs shy of where I was when I weighed the most I have ever weighed in my entire life. I do feel the weight on me, there's no doubt. And it's pretty evident that I've gained because best Capri's don't fasten and the zipper keeps making these farting sounds every time I sit down as the zipper unfastens and works it's way down the teeth.
I could speed up my reading so that I'd be done with the book, but almost from the beginning I set these tiny doable goals, so that by the time I get my cholesterol checked I would be nearing the end of chapter 3, have my stats in hand and be ready to work the exercise and weight loss phase of the program, with the 6 week commitment in front of me.

I guess it's about proving the theory of the book as well as the practical aspect of it. Who knows, I might even send Kirsch my before and afters as well as my spiral note book as proof that it worked for me.

I'm doing this on a wing and a prayer........ and even though I can eat, dare I say it? uh, uh, it sure ain't easy....

And I can't help but think that of all the things that I have done to find a slimmer me, this one takes the biscuit, because it's causing me to say, at least for today, that

Girlllllllll yu so crazzzzzzyyyyy! For doing it this way.

REFLECTIONS

2007-08-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

I just weighed myself, before peeing and pooping and 233 lbs was the number that registered on the scale, which of course resulted in instant panic. I don't however know why I'm really all that shocked, after all I know that I'm not officially on a weight loss program and that I'm eating whatever I want, when I want it. But even so, I'm 1 lb away from being at my heaviest weight once again and God forbid could even past that at the rate that I'm going.

I'm still reading the book, but would you believe have only just gotten to chapter three told you it would be a slow read, because it's a deliberate slow read. I'm answering all the exercises as recommended and my shopping list is almost complete, minus new sneakers and work out cloths, which I'll buy in the next couple of weeks.

But I've purchased all that I need to get started, exercise mat, ankle weights, dumb bells, medicine balls, stability ball. exercise tube and a skipping rope and all of that added to things I already owned means that I'm pretty much set. Minus the sneakers clothes, and bench. (I want a bench for Christmas.)

Now get this, I want to start working out....... uh, uh, it's true and last night I started using the tubes, but got put off because I was butt naked and looking in the mirror as I tried my exercise tubes. Folks please don't try this at home if you have a weight problem and your body looks anything like mine, because it's the most disheartening thing that you will ever feel. I mean there I am working the above and all I can see is the work ahead of me as I enter brain wash mode and mantra my way into inwardly saying to myself that what I'm doing isn't going to work. So it's clothes on folks, because that kind of brain washing I can do without.

Anyway regardless of how I look now, I'm going to continue with the plan. Like I've said I'm reading chapter three of the book, which consists of 111 pages. It will be in this chapter that I'll do the most work. During this chapter that I will learn proper form and start working out. For once, exercise before focusing on food intake. With me it's normally the other way around. So this should be interesting.

I'm still focused on my September 16 start date for the food aspect of the program because like I said my cholesterol check won't be until the 13th and I want to be able to compare my levels six weeks from then as he recommends. It's a different journey for me, it's new, it's focused it's deliberate and apart from exercising in the buff and the numbers on the scales today's weigh in, I feel pretty good.

As a result of today weight, I've decided not to weigh again until the 16, because I don't want to get derailed by the numbers on the scale. Because now that I think about it, Kirsch hasn't said weigh yourself, at least not yet and so I'm thinking that there must be a reason for it, considering he is more interested in the reader getting a cholesterol check. So I'm going to put the scales away as soon as I'm done here.

HIS WAY

2007-08-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've being working really hard at prepping myself for my six week commitment to follow David Kirsch's plan. Dotting all my I's and crossing all my T's I've devoted the last few days to slowly reading his book and completing all of the written exercises, and I'm proud of myself for mentally gearing up to the challenge ahead of me, instead of rushing ahead to follow a plan without really knowing what it's really all about.
Part of the preparation involves getting my LDL and HDL cholesterol checked, So, I've made an appointment to have both checked on September 13th and I will officially start the program on the 16th, almost 4 whole weeks away.

In the meantime I'm going through with everything Kirsch recommends. I'm using my note book to jot down my feelings in regards how I feel about the program as well as answering the questions that he asks and following things he recommends.

I've started to purchase, the basic "please have if possible." pieces of equipment for my make shift home gym, things like 2 lbs dumb bells and medicine balls, following his recommendation to start light and work your way up, I can handle that. I know that even with 2 lb weights lack of activity is going to make it feel like 50.

I have yet to invest in a exercise mat, 5 lb ankle weights, new work out clothes, and new sneakers. Now, I know that I don't have to follow the program to extremes, by getting all the please have if possible things, but I've always approached weight loss and exercise half heartedly, meaning I would buy a book, and skip over all the introductory pages and focus on what I felt was most important. Or I'd buy a work out dvd and watch the style with which the warm up was done and then decide naw it's not for me.

Or I'd fork over lots of money for a program and have the representative tell me how it works, after I parted with the money, only to discover that it is another nutritionally based supplement diet. So, since I've never really committed my all 100%, this time around I've decided to shift gears, to stop doing what I've always done in order not to end up with what I've always got.

This time, I'm taking it all in, and positioning myself for the new start that he talks about, new mind set, new openness, no goals, new focus, new commitment, new out look, new way of thinking , new work out clothes, new sneakers, new pieces of exercise equipment. New makes sense to me. It makes sense that by placing myself back into old molds there results will more than likely be the same. Yeah I could wear my old fuddy duddy faded, dis-shaped, tee shirts, and my cheap sneakers that aren't comfortable, set myself up for possible failure, but I do want to change all of that, I want to feel good about what I'm doing, and if new work out clothes can help to improve my state of mind, I'm all for it.

FOOD
Now here's the big one, the CRUNCH, the proof of the pudding, which willing surely be in the eating Crunch. Lawd have mercy, Kirsch wants the reader to clean house, as in where you house your food. Yeah, Clean, as in OUT! all white foods, such as flour, pasta, sugar, rice, bread, and all processed can and frozen fruit and veggies, in fact he gives you a list. GULP! Now folks, not for nothing, but I want to do this program, his way and not mine. I want to do it right so, if I'm in for a penny shouldn't I be in for a pound too?

So why is it that I am having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around this one. I mean I almost broke into a cold sweat when I read his instructions. throw out, as in OUT, OUT? uh uh, throw, bung, toss, discard, just get rid of it baby girl.

And this is my rational as to why I can't.

1. People are dying of hunger all over the world. So I can't, it wouldn't be right.
2. My boyfriend needs it.
3. What if I have guests and don't have any canned veggies? (I never have guests, duh)
4. Real food is too expensive.
5. My pantry will be empty.
6. I can't do that,
7. Is he crazy?
8. Let me read that part again.
9. Maybe I can switch this part of the program up with someone else's program.
10. Girl what's so hard? Why can't you do this?

Using my boyfriend as an excuse, is just that a really bad excuse. He doesn't care if the pasta is whole wheat or not, and he doesn't care if the veggies are fresh or frozen, in fact he'd appreciate the fresh veggies more. So what's the big deal, really?

THINKING

Well, if it's not in the house I can't eat it and my emotional security blankey will be gone, that's it in a nut shell. I'm an emotional eater and food represents emotional security, and without food to cushion my moods I will have to find something else.

With this one aspect of the program, I find myself fighting to win, knowing that this is a no win situation, after all, it's either want it as much as I say I do or I'm kidding myself into thinking that I do, when in fact I don't.

It's got to be either all or nothing, because it can't be both. I can't expect results, if I'm going to tell the teacher that, although his way is tested and proved I've decided to do my way with the option to blame him and his program if and when my way doesn't work........

Bottom line, I'm gonna do it his way, because my way sure won't work.

SOUND MIND

2007-08-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

Personalized

“MY deepest fear is not that I AM inadequate. MY deepest fear is that I AM powerful beyond measure. It is MY light, not MY darkness that most frightens ME. I ask MYSELF, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who AM I not to be? I AM a child of God. MY playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around ME. I AM meant to shine, as children do. I WAS born to make manifest the glory of God that is within ME. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as I let MY own light shine, I unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As I AM liberated from MY own fear, MY presence automatically liberates others.”

I've always loved these words by Marianne Williamson, I guess because when I remove the generalization and turn the word our into my, there is a huge amount of truth that comes to life for me. So when I found the words as quoted in David Kirsch's book, although from the voice of Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural address, it was a very unexpected find, not because the words of Marianne Williamson don't belong in this kind of book, but because the foundation on which the words were placed being that of fitness, nutrition and more importantly a sound mind fits like a square peg to a square hole. In fact I'd go as far as to say that the words speak louder to me now than the words did prior to reading them in his book. They somehow confirm the fact that everything, how I think, how I see myself, how I want to be, and where I want to be, depends largely on how I confront my disappointments and failures, and build on and towards my hopes and dreams, I have to come together so that it all comes together, it all has to balance so that one aspect of my life, i.e. "fear." doesn't tip the balance of all the others.

In order for me to succeed at the very things that I say I want in my life, I have to realize that the negative brain washing must stop so that the positive mantras can root from the seeds and ulitimately flourish. To be able to saythat my greatest fear is that not I am inadequate, but more that I have the ability to be and therefore am powerful beyond measure is to mantra my way to success. I have to apply positive affirmations and live my life with the kind of conviction and drive that is needed in order to go after the things that I say I want as though my life depended on it.

Truthfully now that I am taking time to really think about the exercises that I've started as instructed by this book, as I put my issues on the table, I realize that very little about me is in balance and that most of my feelings of inadequacies are self made or inflicted by others because I've allow myself to become an open target to my own words, and words like those of my ex, words which knocked me off balance, bruise an already low self esteem, cause me to lack confidence and to doubt my own abilities, words that constantly taunted and ate away at me.

Yet I can't help but look in the mirror and ask the me that is reflected, what if? What if my self esteem and self confidence where in tact, wouldn't I have more than likely brushed the hurt off, instead of carrying it deep within me. Isn't the truth of the matter that, the words hurt because in all honesty how he perceived me is in fact how I perceived myself.

So looking at me, in that mirror looking myself straight in the eyes, my first mantra is birth, People can only drag you all over the place if you aren't steady on your feet, but they can't lead you if you don't choose to follow.

And it is clear to me now that if I hadn't follow his lead by allowing him to later drag me to where I didn't want to be mentally and emotionally, who knows, where I might have being today. I use my ex as an example, but it hasn't just been him or that kind of situation, it's been many things, from being over looked by guys amongst my slimmer friends when we've hung out together, because I'm the one that is heavy. to being told that I've tried at business and only real business people have the potential to succeed.

******************

A post or two ago, I mentioned that I didn't want to address the question that Kirsch asked, in the first few pages of his book, which was "are you hiding behind your weight?" and other than to admit that yeah at times I think I am, I just didn't want to touch on the subject past that, of for that matter open myself up to what he was in fact getting at by asking that question. Naw, I was perfectly content to rest in the fact that I was feeling free of the proverbial monkey that I had been carrying on my back, by coming to terms with the hurt that I carried around within me because of words my ex said to me.

That "freedom" was in my mind healing and I fully intended to chill out with where I was in that freedom, and not hurry to deal with a lot of other things, but this Kirsch fella is a pretty pushy dude. and from foreword to chapter one, he has really cornered me into a place wherein the little that I've read so far, has opened me up to realizing that the healing comes after the release, after the things that have been holding you back, after you set those things free and after you have freedom, there's a good chance that you might need to reevaluate what it is that you are in fact free from, because what I deemed as being "Free." and healing was in fact "Freedom from being held so that I can start the process of healing.

Deep uh? All this from a few pages, uh, huh, ALL OF THIS!

Anyway, I've taken the band aid off and now I have to clear up all the icky stuff that has been festering under the band aid. Hey I knew full well that the wound wasn't cleaned when I applied the band aid, I knew that there was some foreign bodies deep with that was going to fester and ultimately did because of the pain that I was feeling, hence the reason why I wasn't healing.

This book will I'm sure be a slow read, because Mr Kirsch, seems to be speaking to me from the pages, and at the same time giving me gifts the first one being a simple word and that word is CHOICE......., yeah CHOICE, he has put choice back in my hands. Wherein I can either, Choose to be fat and unhealthy or choose to be slim and healthy too...... Choose to re program how I think or continue thinking as I have.

Now let me back up, to the fat and unhealthy line, After posting "Rant." and the YouTube pieces that are about "Rant." I'm not talking about people that are heavy and healthy......... My opinion there has not changed. But I am talking about this island, which is ME.... because I'm not healthy and I'm definitely fat and the two combined don't work for me, they both work against me. How can I be healthy when if I bend down on the floor, I can't get up again, without having to give trying to get up my best effort, because my knees hurt from all the extra weighted pressure, how can I be healthy when I breathe heavily and my heart rate accelerates from all the effort that it takes me to get back up again, How can I be healthy when I can't get up without having to hold on and push all of my weight against or on the thing that is supporting me. How can I be healthy when my stomach is so large that I'm at risk for heart disease, as the fat from my stomach pushes up against my heart. Eye opener, compliments of David Kirsch.

My knee gave out a couple of days ago and if it wasn't for the kitchen counter, I would have ended up on the floor. My knees get weak when I have the weight on me. So the weight can only be doing me bodily damage, which isn't what? HEALTHY

So my choices are.

1.Decide to be open or closed to what he, being David Kirsch is trying to get across.
2.Close the book and put it away and try to forget about it.

3.Accept the fact that there is an element to this book where he digs pretty deep.
4.Duke it out with him and let him help me, even if it's painful or I feel like giving up.
5.Face my demons as he calls them. Recognise who and what they represent and how to conquer them one by one
6.Let him lead me knowing that it's me that ultimately has to do the work.
7.Commit to a full 6 weeks.

8. Have fun doing it.

9. And push all my past attempts out and away from me.

10. Unlearn to learn.

I've decided to put myself in his hands and put both of us in God's. Now weight loss is only a small area of my sound mind healing, because there is more to me than my weight, but it's a small pebble with a big rippling effect. I feel good about starting.

Will post again in a week, until then I've got a book to read.

BY THE BOOK

2007-08-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

The second of the two books that I ordered ("Sound mind, sound body." by David Kirsch) arrived yesterday and after tearing open packaging, I began my normal routine of flicking through the pages in search of the proverbial magical quick fix and whadda know there aren't any. But what there is a lot of, is the word COMMITMENT jotted on a here and there on the first few pages.....

Anyway as I slowed my reading pace, I began to allow David's words to take a hold and connect to me mentally and I know that I'm in a place where I can and want to at least exercise my mind and my approach to weight loss and exercise.

Browsing quickly through both books, there's something in what Mr Kirsch has to say that has me open to at least dipping my toe in the water. before I take the plunge and completely surrender to doing things his way.

So today went to the store at lunch time and bought myself a new spiral text book which he strongly recommends. Gearing up for a fresh start and new beginning.
Virgin text book pages to the ready, I've committed myself to reading the book from the very first page, which I never do when it comes to weight loss and exercise books. So far I've read the foreword and am now on the introduction.

Brief excerpt from the book, "There is a way to reach the perfect balance of sound mind sound body. The integral elements necessary in attaining a sound mind, sound body require finding the balance among. a) proper workouts, b) nutritious foods, and c) a spiritual and emotional balance that in part relies on the successful completion of (a) and (b)..........."
Makes sense to me, so I'm on this journey with Mr Kirsch to see where it is that he intends to take me.

PEELING OFF THE LAYERS

2007-08-07T20:12:00.000-07:00

Peeling off the layers. Hmmm, so I'm not following a weight loss plan, not exercising, not doing much of anything truth be told and whilst I'm fully aware that I haven't surrendered to a way of life wherein I accept being heavy, right now I need the Rest and Relaxation that comes from not focusing on either for a while. Hell I'm all burnt out from the yo yo roller coaster years of not getting weight loss quite right. I will admit though that it's pretty weird to be this laid back about not having weight loss and exercise, listed as a part of my top 5 priorities.

Suddenly, I have way too much time on my hands and way too much unoccupied thought space in my mind. So much in fact that this evening to my surprise I feel extremely bored even though I've been watching t.v, reading, browsing the net and chatting on the phone

Of course this down time can't continue, indefinitely, naw there is no way I can just sit back as I veg and eat my way to a bigger me, I mean how could gaining weight ever be truly ok with me?

Anyway, after a long and boring work day, on the drive home and sang along to my new gospel CD by The Barrett sisters, and I felt every lyric until my body quickened because the words were so touching. It's the kind of singing that really gets a hold of you in an old time gospel kind of way...... I choked up and cried a few tears as I thought about my sister in law who died a few years back...... when she my sister and I started our own gospel singing group all those many moons ago. Then I stopped at Publix's bought a chicken, some canned carrots, cheapo orange soda, jimmy deans sausage, shredded cheese and a cadbury's flake........... yum.... I ate the flake in the car, got home checked the mail box, hoping that one or two of the books that I had ordered from EBay would be in it waiting for me.

One of the books arrived, although it wasn't the phone that I wanted to arrive the most. Anyway, I'm now the proud owner of yet another weight loss book with a DVD insert. With another book by the same author on it's way. See that's what happens when your still searching for the quick fix, only this time I was encouraged to purchase the book by a friend that has been using the methods religiously and who is excited about the fact that she's living testament to the fact that the methods work.........

So I bought the book, with ok, work for me, me, me, excitement, only to realize that there is no way that a big gal like me could do the exercises illustrated without doing myself a major injury because I'm not physically, or for that matter even close to being physically fit, not even when it comes to following the pre-program section of the book. How so? Well I can't do a push up to save my life because I although I might be able to push down thanks to gravity, there is no way I can lift the weight of me back up again. Not without breaking both elbows anyway.

But flicking through the pages before it gets put in the stack where weight loss books go to die, The Ultimate New York Body Plan, by David Kirsch, is I'm glad to say more than just a book about losing rapid amounts of weight with diet and vigorous exercise.

I mean I love the recipes which are all doable for me, realizing almost immediately that I could get into the kind of food he recommends on program and not feel like I'm on a starvation diet when it comes to good food and taste. I mean I could get down with sesame chicken fingers, roasted red pepper frittata's Middle Eastern Chicken Kabob, or Mediterranean chicken stir fry, yeah even me a finicky eater could get down with all of that.

Even the 2 to 5 lbs dumbbells, stability ball (once I get my balance that is) and medicine ball are all totally doable pieces to include in exercise. Even for a big gal, but it's the pace and types of exercise that I definitely have a problem with. I just wouldn't be able to trust a stability ball to remain stable as I do sit up on it at my weight. It's a case of can the plastic garden chairs hold your weight or will the legs start to collapse as you sit your behind down on it.

But what I love most about the book so far is that Mr Kirsch, gives you things to really think about, for example, He tells you to "Become comfortable with failure......... " uh? and he goes on to explain what he means, and how to do exactly that..... And whadda know, it totally makes sense.

H also goes on to ask, if your (I'm) hiding behind my weight...... Well Mr. Kirsch since you asked. At times I think I am, But more about that later, because it would be like peeling off another layer from a onion with an high risk of getting all emotional and stuff to post about it now...... When right now, being "FREE" as I posted not too long ago is enough for me right now and I know that I kind of want to wear it for a while before I get into something else that might be just deep.

But as I chill out and just do nothing, one of the things that I am aware of is that I really need to find and focus on a weight loss program that I want to start/begin a new with. only thing is I'm not sure what that program that will be yet. But as soon as I figure it out, I'll let you in on it. I promise.

A FULL LENGHT MIRROR

2007-08-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

SOME ME OF BEAUTY

<~~~~ By Carolyn Rodgers.

I didn't realize that my mother's hair was gray,

but one morning,

I took a long look at her and a good long look at myself

in a full lenght mirror

And what I saw,

was not just some soul sista, woman, poetess of the moment,

but what I saw, what I saw, what I saw

looking in a full lenght mirror

caused a spiritual revelation and a root revival,

coming on, coming on, coming on strong.

And I knew right then and there,

that many things were over

and some me of beauty was just about to begin.

FREE

2007-08-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

The mask comes off.

This is who I am......... No more hiding.

OK, had to sit and let it sink in that I'm posting a picture of myself on my weight loss Blog. Because I haven't taken any pictures for years and I'm not kidding.

The truth is, whether on Kodak paper or in real life, I spend, correction, spent most of my time feeling totally fat and ugly and how I saw myself and the feelings that came as a result of how I saw myself got worse, when my ex husband, called me a "Big fat slob" in front of his girlfriend. To belittle and degrade me.

Now if beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder, I wasn't able to behold his beauty from that moment on, because as the words left his mouth he suddenly became so ugly looking to me, that I was instantly repulsed by him! But at the same time, in my hurt I couldn't get past what he said, I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt me that way....... After all we once loved each other, shared our lives together and I am the mother of his children, I couldn't get past the shock and as I became filled with emotion his words penetrated so deep inside of me, that a venomous snake bite couldn't have penetrated into me any deeper.

A year later, I still couldn't brush the words from off of me and it made my quest to loose weight harder, because I wanted to BE SLIM to SHOW HIM, Show that I wasn't what and who he said I was, then I'd loose a few pounds gain it back and then some, all the time hearing his words ringing in my ears and the more I digested them the more I started to believe in what he said.

Yeah I know, get over it already, but when you don't feel great about your weight and someone who you once loved attacks you verbally in regards to your insecurity getting over it already is easier said than done.

To say that his words tore into my soul, is an understatement because they did that and more, as each word ripped apart my already low self esteem. Wow I can't believe I'm writing this.

So out of no where, here I am, facing my own demons, challenging myself to deal with issues that make loosing weight a 1000 times harder than it need ever be. After all, how will I know what I want to be when I grow up, if I can't see who I want to be because of the things that make reaching for them near to impossible.

So today! Lets see.......... Losing emotional baggage........ I've taken a pounding verbally during and after the fact, but enough!

So to my ex this is what I want to say........I HATED YOU FOR WHAT YOU SAID TO ME...... YOU HURT ME AND I DESPISED YOU FOR IT. YOU TRIED TO BELITTLE ME AND YOU SUCCEEDED BECAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT TO EVER HEAR THOSE WORDS FROM YOU. I allowed you to deposit those words in my head, heart and soul...... I allowed you to let them live rent free inside of me, to eat away at me as they slowly brain washed me into believing that what you said was true.............. BUT NO MORE!!!!!!!! No more........ NO MORE!

Because today, I know that I am beautiful, heavy or thin, inside and out not because of any reassuring words that anyone has or might have said to me, but because today I choose to say them to myself and you can't take that away from me not any more.

What you meant for harm, I've made a choice to turn to good. That which you wanted to destroy me, as only MADE ME STRONGER! (HUGE SMILE)

You fed me words that made me heavy internally, and I ate more to ease the pain and when I ate your words would ring again in my ears and punish me. You had me frozen, by bruising me with 3 little words, stagnant as you stood empowered because you had hurt me where you knew it would hurt, but now, today, I've made a choice to forgive you for everything you said to me, YES forgive you........

And boy do I intend to feast on forgiving you with a whole heart, because suddenly I realize that to forgive you is so much easier to digest than hate. And as I forgive you, I also realize that I have nothing to prove to you, NOTHING! Nothing at all and now I can finally say that the weight of you is off my back.

So get this, I, YES ME! evict you from my thoughts....... and I'm free! you hear me, I'M FREE...........

Release of tears, that's all for now folks........ that's all....

BLOGGERS INSIGHTS

2007-07-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

During the last few days I've been somewhat emotional, partly due to weight gain and the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with feeling like I've failed once again, then feeling even worse because I'm on the binge eat again, chowing down on anything and everything that isn't nailed down. I feel like that tiny mouse on the wheel, treading steps but going absolutely nowhere.

To top it all, I've also had my share of personal drama's which made me feel angry at myself for being angry because I once again allowed myself to be drawn into mess that someone else decided to stick right under my nose. I've cried a lot, and ached a lot, ached when the tears wouldn't come, ached when and because they did, ached when they were wet and circling my nose and ached when they were dry tears getting ready to almost choke me. In short, I've been feeling totally gloomy.

But in the midst of gloom, I found the Blog, Finding Flabuless - Blog and suddenly I feel a lot better than I have, even in regards to food. Yeah I know, it's AMAZING, amazing how you can be totally down for days/weeks at a time, when suddenly a stranger enters your life in the most unexpected way, and whadda know, days/weeks of gloom start to go away.

Now get this......... Right now I'm not, and I repeat NOT on a weight loss diet. I'm going to eat and I might gain, and that's ok......... LAWD have mercy did I say that? laugh, Yeah I did. I did say that. What I am on however is a mentally and emotionally and spiritually self renewal and healing diet. Hmmm. Don't search for it on the web, lol because this diet comes from learning to be ok with myself.

Am I saying that I've given up on loosing weight? No, not at all, in fact loosing weight is as important to me as ever, but unless I shed all the negative thoughts and feelings that I've allowed others and myself to feed to myself, I will never be able to loose the weight and keep it off. Like the book said, it's not what we're eating it's what's eating us that can sometimes cause us to keep on repeating the same patterns that keep us where we are, and i honestly believe that because they are the first things that beat me down, when I say that I have failed.

Like I've posted before I am at times my own worst enemy, my own hindrance but more than that, I've allowed other peoples opinions of me to often times effect my own opinion of myself.

This is a emotional and mental exercise, with physical and spiritual rewards. Because I've been hunched over for so long, that standing straight in a full length mirror, will be a totally physical thing for me to do.

Losing the Baggage! I'm ready to start self healing.

NAKED

2007-07-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

Being real with myself is at times one of the hardest things to do, especially when it comes to looking at myself in a full length mirror mentally butt naked exposed. I'd almost liken the nakedness to that of any awkwardness that a heavy person would feel being partially or completely naked in a communal changing room or shower. I want to hide, albeit from myself at times, but there's nowhere to go. I try to cover up the hurt that I feel in regards to my weight, but just like at a spa, my mental towels are no bigger than the complimentary that they hand out to you. And as you accept them, you can't help but wish that they were super dupa beach towel size, instead regular bath towels that against my nakedness look no bigger than a wash cloth.

Everyone knows that a regular bath towel, barely wraps around to both arm pits when your 200 plus pounds of fat. So here I am, my upper peach shaped dimple butt covered, and my lower rhino sized butt and ham hock thighs fully exposed. Middle back and all the wobbly bits that help to make up my middle back hidden, but all my upper rolls exposed, I feel totally naked even with a towel the size of a postage stamp around me and as I cling to my insecurities, I tightly pull the towel snugly to my pits knowing full well that the rest of my frontal area is well and truly exposed. Belly hanging over like a fleshy fig leaf covering my oh I know it's there private parts.

So I'm naked (hypothetically speaking) in front of you and myself as I document my gain, exposing where I've slipped yet again, exposing how a few days of victory seemed to fade as quickly as they came. I am now 228.5 lbs. up from 221.5 a solid 7 lb gain. sigh. And I'm stumped, yes stumped because even though I'm up again because of my own doing. I want to be slim, but what I want keeps butting heads with my worst enemy ME!

It's I who keeps putting road blocks in my way. Me, who feels as though I could move mountains and yet when I turn around, all I've shifted is tiny gains of salt, pour water on it and it disappears, taste it and you know it was there, kind of like the evidence that proves to myself that I had lost 11 lbs. Only now all that remains of that is a memory.

Sounds depressing, at least the last 3 posted entries, but hey I feel depressed and I'm trying to shake it by releasing my feeling. I truthfully felt the benefits of that 7 lb loss that helped to make 11 pounds in total, I felt it when I lost it and I feel it now that I'm carrying it around on me again. In fact I feel heavier, even though I'm technically now 4 pounds lighter than when I first started.

And what's totally crazy is that I don't want it to be up and down, hit or miss, on program or shamefully backsliding off program. Each time I backslide meaning, a full fledged pull away from what I know is good for me, it gets harder and harder to get back to it. To mentally gear up and start over. It's hard to go from limited carbs here, and a whole lot of carbs there. So I have to wonder if I'm carbaholic junkie, hooked, dependant, and completely addicted? Or, am I scared of who I will become once I loose the weight? Which is the bigger of the two and the lesser of two evils. I've proved that I can loose the weight, but then something like 11 lbs sends me to the light of the refrigerator and I'm standing there frozen like a deer caught in the head lights of a on coming car. Frozen with a spoon of Ben and Jerry's in my mouth. And then suddenly it's on. Full continental breakfast, mini snack, brunch, lunch, after lunch snack, pre dinner dinner, then dinner, then snack, then night cap snack.

Scared of my own success? Makes me wonder, makes my already over worked brain question, and suddenly I'm in soul searching mode only it's all cob webby and dusty and stuff because to soul search you have to throw off the postage stamp sized towel and be NAKED, in order to get down and find the answers within your self. If only I could reach a place of saying as Iyanla Vanzant put it that "One day my soul just opened up." wouldn't that be something? Arm's open wide, head thrown back, big smile and a exhaled breath, Naked as a Jay Bird, light and free and happy with my head in the right place to just get this thing done.

I read success and how I failed to succeed stories, about people who battle obesity so by now I know that what I'm experiencing isn't unique, I don't own the copy rights because the market on obesity started and ends with me. But I want my own success story, I want the I conquered Everest feeling, yet instead I have a postage sized towel and thimble full of diluted salt and all I wan to do is to shake myself because time and time and time again, I find myself belly aching about the same I want but I don't have a handle on my weight story.

How can I say, my mind set is...... when with another voice I'm asking or is it? Is loosing weight really the issue or is shedding all the other shit a prerequisite to actually doing it.

Like a college credit, you have to put in the work to get the degree. Now there's food for thought! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr see what I mean, FOOD for thought, FOOD!!!!!!! Not now there's a thought, but it has to be FOOD for thought. Go figure. Guess I have to let out a tiny laugh here. hehehe lol.

Anyway, I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm not going to stop trying. Because there are moment's like the ones I'm going to write about now, that make quitting not even a option.

Take something as simple as getting in and out of my car.

Because I'm fat each and every single time I get into my car, it seems as though I have to practically throw my rump down on the seat just to get in. Picture this, leg in the car, rump plops down before my leg has a chance to touch the carpeting. So as my buttocks lands I end up getting a deep in the crack of my butt wedgie needless to say that whilst I'm about on my travels my right butt cheek is always panti-less. That's getting in, now getting out has it's own story. When I have to get out of the car, since I have to practically roll myself out my belly and right thigh always presses up against the steering wheel turns it to a half movement, causing the safety locking feature on my steering wheel to engage even when I don't want it to. Time to adjust the steering wheel? Hell no!!!!!!!!!! Time to loose the weight!

So there it is. secrets of a fat women, oh geeze there's a title for a new extension to this blog, how freeken frightening is that.? So, In the meantime, let me say that as much as I gripe, belly ache, rant, vent blow off seem, one thing I can say is, that even though I'm a lot fatter than I ever dreamed I would be, I'm still grateful that I have a car to get around in.

Notadumbbell.

SEVEN WHOLE DAYS OF CHA, CHA, CHA

2007-07-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Now why for the Love of God can't I just stop yo-yo-ing when it comes to weight loss?

Why can't all the foods I mindlessly pig out on taste like cream corn, yuck! So that I wouldn't crave foods that are making me fat?

Why is it that from out of nowhere I can hear food calling me by name like something out of the Twilight Zone?

Why is it that one mouth full of my most tempting foods starts the on set of close to being orgasmic moans that I make me want to sink my teeth into the pure pleasure of food, yet when the pleasure is over all too quickly I might add, I end up feeling guilty for enjoying the thrill and abused by food? Abused? Huh, huh, because after the pleasure it turns around and plasters it's self all over my body in the form of globs of unslightly fat. eww!

Orgasmic moans? Ever tried a Krispy Kreme donut? ORGASMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Why, why, why, why, why did I weigh in on Sunday July 8, at 221.5 lbs then step off the scale feeling like little Ms. Hottie to the Left over there, even though we all know that I'm closer to being Ms. Hottie to the right, but not so Hottie hottie, then become big headed enough to think that just because I lost 11 lbs during my first week on the beach, that I could reward myself with a free ticket to eat without conseqence, and PIG THE HELL OUT! as though I were thin and completely healed of my obeseity.

This makes no sense to me, Yeah, I get the part about feeling pretty pleased with myself, afterall 11 lbs down, is some pretty pleasing stuff to be pleased about. But like the Carpenter's song goes, we've (I've) only just begun! And it should have been right up there in the top 10 list of "Girl this is what you need to comprende."

1. Your not on a diet your in a life style change.

2. Just because you loose weight today, does not mean that you can eat like it's gonna go out os style if you don't.

3.) The scale is not ok, is your friend, because it's always going to tell you the truth.

Let me stop at 3.

But me being me, whadda know, yeah you guessed it, the BEAST, called Glutton rose up from my slowly shrinking tummy and I've been chowing down on carbs ever since.

Jesus, I only had 7 days to go before I could slowly re-introduced good carbs into my life. 7 days, and I couldn't hold my horses till July 15th weigh in.

So, here we go again thankful that haven't gained all 11 lbs but disgusted that I've gained a solid 5 to 6. Needless to say the scale dance has once again started, and since I have two scales strategically placed one in front of the other, so it's almost as though I'm dancing the electric slide as I hop on one, walk forward and hop on the other, get off then walk backwards and hop on the other again. Doing the electric slide. And I do this a few times until I finally let it sink in duh, that the numbers aren't going down.

As soon as the truth hits me, it's time to do the cha cha cha. Cha, Cha, Cha for more desparate measures.

So it's clothes on, "oh my God, that can't be right! clothes off........ down .2 cha cha cha, move to the left, cha cha cha, move to the right, cha cha cha and bloody cha! move to the front, move to the back. Bend, move the scale, stand on, toes off, stand off stand on heels off, stand on, lean to the left, lean to the right, hands straight down, hands on hip, cha, cha, cha. Light blub idea coming on time to pee cha cha cha, get off the scale, get back on down .4 cha cha cha, Huh? Huh? cha cha, time to poop, cha cha cha, that's it, my one saving grace, cha cha cha, squeeze my brains out in my best constipated effort cha cha cha and a desperate need to invest in some flax seed? yuckedy cha! Lord it's like a little me trying to break free from the insanity cha cha cha. That should do it, cha cha cha. (you'll be singing it tomorrow. laugh)

Hey someone has to talk about it, because we all know that POOP is a dieter's nightmare when your constipated, and trust me there are all kinds of poop depending on what kind of plan your on, but constipated Pre Poop weigh in's, are the worse and will totally Mess with your head, So being the weight loss diet pro that I am, I've learned by now that if I just sit and wait that poop out, I'll be that much lighter when I'm done. especially when I know that a weight loss of .4 lbs just won't cut it.

Aww patience is a virtue for sure, 1 lb lighter, Horayyyyyyyyy! Yeah, Yeah, Yeah eww how gross, but a brick is a hell of a lot of weight to carry and at 1 lb lighter I ain't gonna lie, I'm happy that I don't feel so heavy!

So ladies and gents, today I weighed at 226.5 on one scale and 225.2 on the other..... Either way it boils down to a SOLID 5 to 6 lb gain. But a whole 1 lbs loss.

So please excuse my French, when I say I'm so tired of this sheeeeeeeeet! No pun intended.

Back on plan tomorrow!

Lord help me when I decide to tell you about the birdie dance!

MY RANT

2007-07-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

Rant, I saw this YouTube Clip called "A FAT RANT" and thought I'd add it to my Blog because when you have a weight problem there isn't anything in what she said, that you can't fully understand. So, as I watched it I couldn't' help but think, hmmm girl I hear ya! I hear ya, I hear ya!

Then I listened to the dude's response to what people wrote about what she had to say on YouTube and I thought, dude more power to ya! I hear ya! I hear ya, and yeah your cute!

Then I listened to The Morning Show debate and I thought, YOU GO LADY!!!!!!!!! Good for ya! Rant and let that skinny beetch have it and the skinny dude host too.

Rant! I think at times we all want to. Especially when it comes to peoples prejudice and assumptions when it comes to how they see heavy set people.

RANTTTTTTTTTTTT yeah, I wanna rant, every single time I go into a store to buy something to wear, and it stops being cute at a size 8. Or I can't get a pair of boots to go past my cankles much less over my calf's. Rant because I'm more comfortable in a large Handicap cubical than I am in a small toilet cubical where I can barely turn around to close the door without having my legs pressed up against the commode.

Yes I'm fat, and Yes I want to loose weight, But get this, I don't want to be rail thin, I just want to be in between, where I still have back, (A nice shaped booty) and curves in all the right places. Ok I can always wish.

No, I don't enjoy being fat and being linked to all the words associated with being fat, whether it be Big gal, plus sized, pleasingly plump, thick, full figured, or wow, your a big girl ain't ya! I beg your pardon, who you calling BIG? actually I'm a medium sized girl in a big girls body can't you see? That's my inner child crying, but as you tag me with names like the above to cover my hurt I put a brave face on it and smile.

I don't wear fat well, and I don't feel well wearing excess fat on my body.
Being fat is draining to me, I get tired easily, my joints hurt, I sweat more, snore loudly and the slightest exertion makes me feel as though I'm about to have a heart attack. But that doesn't mean that just because I feel this way, anyone else with a weight problem must too.

I don't feel pretty, desirable, or sexy and being fat doesn't help my self esteem. But that's doesn't mean that someone who is heavy, isn't pretty, dersirable and sexy.

When I feel like being sexy and want to do a strip tease, when I throw my full sized french cut panties at my man, the last thing I want him to even try to think is that my panties are as big as a half slip. Just because they aren't a size 5. Now maybe he doesn't think that way, but lets face it that's what I'm thinking because society makes being heavy bad, so is it impossible that he might not for a spilt second think the same thing too. HMMMMM! Honey, do I look fat to you?
Ok I get it that you love me just the way I am, but dude that wasn't the question.

That being said, since I'm not blind of course I see beautiful fat, pleasingly plump, full figured, thick, plus sized people, women and men who look good heavy. And they carry the weight in a way that I can't, don't and won't ever carry it.

They carry it in a way that reflects just how intact their self esteem is despite being fat. They dress and what they wear compliments their body, they know how to shop for plus sized cloths that flatter their wobbly bits, when the clothes I buy draw attention to all my wobbly bits and all the bits that don't wobble.

Some of them are (and I write that trying not to make it seem like they are creatures from another planet, because if they are, I am too.) But some of them, are physically a lot fitter than I am and a lot of them are a lot heavier than I am. Take Monique, when she danced like Beyonce, I'd like to see me try that, without dripping buckets of sweat and pleading for a mask just so that I can get some oxygen. Sometimes just standing up is a huge production for me or so it feels at times.

When your heavy and comfortable in your skin, you don't lay in bed with your lover and thank gravity for pulling everything back as it slips towards the mattress when your laying on your back. You don't fear trying different positions that might cut off your air way, as he tries to hike your legs up in a position that because your fat seems almost obscene. When your comfortable in your body you don't thank God for the extra thick curtains that you bought that make night seems 10 times darker. So instead of checking you out with his eyes, it's almost as though he has to check you out in brail.

When your comfortable in your own skin, non of the above happens but it does for a fat person who isn't comfortable with being fat, a fat person that is constantly trying to find the cure to their obesity. Trust me when I say that I wish that I were more like them, comfortable in my fat, because it would sure make things a lot easier if I were. God knows I wouldn't have to battle society and then turn around and fight against myself. Do you know how much lighter I would feel if that were the case?

But I ain't gonna lie, a lot of what A Fat Rant talks about, I have experienced because I've been there and am still there even though I'm working really hard to walk away from where there is.

People unfortunately judge a book by it's cover, time and time and time again. Oh course the skinny women has to be healthy, God help the fat person that would ever claim to be, what a lot of bollocks. Size has nothing to do with High blood pressure or cholesterol.

I'm fat but I'm not suffering with either thank God.

I've seen Manuel Uribe Garza the fattest man in the world (pictured above) bed ridden and doing exercises and making it look like water off a ducks back, and I'm God only knows how many hundred of pounds pounds lighter than he is, and tell me to do a few upper body exercises and I end up whining like a freeken baby. Go figure!

End of rant!

DAY SEVEN WEIGH IN

2007-07-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it's weigh in day today, and here's proof that anything you set your mind to acheive you will acheive. Down from 232.5 lbs, I weighed in today at 221.5 lbs a loss of 11 lbs total. WHOAAAA!

My BMI down from 39.9 to 38.0 HUH SMILE.

So, I now have 66.5 lbs to go and I will have reached the 155 goal that I set for myself.

I can do this. I know I can.

THE COOKIE MONSTER IS OUT TO GET YOU

2007-07-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well it's Sunday and the official weigh in day for my South Beach challenge, get this, I ain't scared, because with or without clothes I'm nowhere, where I was when I started one week ago.
Feeling good, wouldn't you know it, I just so happened to walk past a packet of butter cookies, and I swear they called my name. And for a moment I stopped in my tracks did a double take and imagined the cookies in my mouth, crunch, crunch, crunch then I came to my senses and as I looked at the cookie packet, I thought, girl you better get ta steppin. And I did. I am working really hard at this. I'm determined to succeed, though I have a long way to go, and still look fat even though I've lost ___________ amount of pounds.

Anyway, I'll post my weight a little later on. until then good night!

DAY SIX TEMPTATION

2007-07-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

I went food shopping for my daughter today, because she's still taking it easy since she had the baby. Anyway, I ended up buying everything that I thought she and her boyfriend would need, including treats, and when I was done, I picked up the Chinese food that I had ordered for them too. But here's the difference, I did not buy a single thing for myself food wise okayyyyyyy... and I didn't order myself any Chinese food. Me! Not ordering Chinese food is like Idaho potatoes being dug up in New Mexico.

Now as much as I love Chinese food, I had to make a stand by resisting the temptation to order anything for myself, much less to stay around and watch them eat it.

I didn't try to convince myself that if I ordered something like chicken, shrimp or beef and broccoli that would be cool, after all it's protein with vegetable. Naw, Naw, Naw, I'll tell you what it is, it's out of control eating waiting to happen.

Trust me, I've been down that road many, many, many times, including this past 4Th of July. With my "oh I'll bake a peach upside down cake for the barbecue get together and I won't have a single piece, (But ended up having 2) wishful, I have control (Yeah right) and it ain't gonna happen kind of thinking. Knowing full well that I would and sure enough I did.

So whilst I have a not chowing down on Chinese food victory, wouldn't you know it, I'm past starving, and thinking to myself, we're "we want it now people, instant, quick and ready to go." Yet here I am hanging out with a Perdu Chicken hoping that it will defrost like yesterday just so that I can cook something South Beach friendly and healthy.

I DID IT

2007-07-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, so in my earlier post I mentioned that I had my gym bag with me but that I didn't want say I would go to the gym just incase I ended up not going. Well I went to the gym!
I did it, I did it, I did it, and for the first time ever I felt really good about exercising.

I did a total of 30 minutes on the treadmill, and a 10 minute warm up. I burned 210 calories and I was smiling inwardly and out.

I got weighed and measured so here it is.

Shoulders 30 1/2
Bust 47 1/2
waist 44 3/4
arms/biceps 16
Hips 48
Thighs 22 ( I had measured the upper part of my thighs they measured the lower)
calf Right 17
Weight 227 With clothes on. (I have lost some weight)
BM1 39

I'm smiling........... Good night! Time to dream about the Beach!
.

DAY FIVE

2007-07-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

So it's day 5 and I'm back on track, after my minor slip up.

I've haven't really been on top of the water so I'm about to change that, in fact, hold on, let me go get some now. You can count till I get back,1 2, 3 - 40.... Come on, I didn't take that long to get back. Ok. Less parched. Where was I?

Oh yeah, I'm back on track, and get this I have my work out cloths with me. Yeah I know, I know, what matter of maddness is this?

Seriously though, maybe it's me wanting to make up to myself by getting a work out in, but I want to work out today, so we'll see, I'm not making any promises that at 5 I'll head in the direction of the gym and do what I need to do to get firm and slim, but there's a 50/50 chance that it could happen.

Now tell me if I'm the only one, that looks at their body parts and all there wobbly bits and thinks what the heck!

Well let me see, after months of realization that I have cankles in stead of ankles, I have now discovered a word that fits a good descritpion of what was once my chin and neck. Chineck. Yes folks I have a chineck another body part blending where the mass of fat from one body part does a fat slide into another, hence CANKLES and now a CHINECK! Jesus Help me!

Now from the side it looks like I have Chinecks, from the front it looks like I have a Chin - eck but from a frontalside position, I definately have a CHINECK. After three, 1, 2, 3 What the Heck!

Lawd knows I'd cover it up if I could, but I ain't no bandit. So I have no choice but to loose the weight so that I can have a seperate chin and neck again.

I'M ONLY HUMAN

2007-07-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

I was good, so good infact, that I felt good about being good. Then I had to go and spoil it by cutting into the peach upside down cake that I made. First I cut a tiny piece and ate it, then cut another piece that wasn't as tiny as the first. Ain't that why you made it? Nope honestly I thought I could resist and I did, right up until 10.45 P.M 4th of July.

Truth of the matter is, I didn't even taste it, I didn't enjoy it, didn't need it, didn't want it. So why did I eat it? I don't know. But remember when I wrote about not letting a holiday like the 4th of July sabotage my best efforts to succeed. Maybe what I should have wrote and chewed on first is Why do I always willing to sabotage my wanting to succeed?

Oh well, I'm only human, and in my humanness with the damage already done and undoable, one thing I do know is that I don't want to do further damage by eating anything else for the evening. Because I'm already full of me hindering my own progress.

I am at times my own worst enemy. But more later.

For now however, what I'm not going to do is, beat myself over the head, no instead I'll take responsibility for what I did, and move on.
It's a journey, where I have a choice to stop and take advantage of the fact that I can allow myself to take a U turn and turn my self around.

Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to succeed. And I will.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!

2007-07-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July!

DAY FOUR

Well, not only is it the 4th of July, but today is also prove I'm Not A Dumbbell Day because, if I don't it will be so easy for me to undo all the hard work that I've put into the last full 3 days on South Beach.

It's tempting to chow down on a day like this, because it's basically what's expected, but here I am seriously having to question whether or not an expectation that's going to sabotage my best effort is worth it. Hmm.

Now I know that there will be tons of food, hell I'm even going to bake a peach upside down cake and for a couple of day I found myself dealing with should I or shouldn't I bake the cake, then sample a small piece or eat a large piece because it's a holiday temptation.

But you know, there are going to be lots of holidays in between, and ordinary days and various celebrations and treats that I'm going to have to face. The difference is, do I want to face it now when I'm trying to heal.

Now if I had a open wound, I'd clean it up, put ointment on it, and then cover it with a band aide, I wouldn't just sit there look at it then pour salt on it. Well that's how I'm looking at my weight, I'm healing and learning and trying to become more healthy, eating peach upside down cake or anything else that I shouldn't be whilst I'm on this program will be like pouring salt on a open wound. And I won't do it!

Yeah, it's a given that I'm going to have to use every ounce of strenght not to eat a single piece of it. Or reach for a bun or a baked potato, but I think that if I plan for the barbecue in terms of what I'm going to eat. I'll do just fine.

I can eat the chicken, fish and shrimp that I know will be there, and if need be I'll carry my own salad and dressing. I'll bring my own lemon and splenda to make lemonade or hot lemon water. And I'll make my own Sugar Free jello and nuts or cheese as a snack. I'll pack and prepare what's good for me, so that I don't leave myself open to eat what's not.

My mind is made up..... How empowering to stand firm.

Oh yeah my measurements. Well I took them and they aren't good by any means. But I'll post them now anyway, and yes I will have to get to the gym for them to measure me correctly, because I don't like what I see here. So when I get those measurements we'll compare the two.

But for now drum roll please.....

Neck 17 inches

Bust 48 inches

Left Upper arm 19 inches

Waist 45 inches

Hips 48 inches (My waist is only 3 inches smaller than my hips)

Left Thigh 29 inches

Left Calf 20 inches

Left ankle 12 inches.

BMI 39.9

Ain't nothing more to say about those figures accept THEY HAVE GOT TO CHANGE!

DAY THREE

2007-07-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

So it's day 3 on South Beach.

First of all let me say that I didn't go to the gym, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Put my actions where my words are, and I will I promise. But yesterday after I finished work, I went with my daughter to check out a baby sitter for the new baby.

And even though I had packed my gym bag I didn't bring it with me to work. So all I will say is that I intend to get back to the gym and when I do I will ask one of the trainers to weigh, measure and take my BMI and I'll post them then.

But in the meantime, I'll take my measurements at home tonight, and use a online calculator to determine my Body Mass.

Day two on the beach wasn't half bad despite, trying to dodge countless plates of corn on the cob. Oh my goodness it seemed that everyone in my family had one, and they smelled and looked so good that trust me I was tempted. But I'm tired of saying that the devil made me do it So I remained strong and resisted the temptation, and today I can proudly say that I did not succumb to salty buttered corn.

Now when it came to dinner, which was a broiled lamb chop and salad, I almost licked the freeken plate it tasted so good. Could it be that It's now, that I have a real appreciation for FOOD?

In terms of noticeable difference. I don't feel overly stuffed, and my stomach feels like a slowly deflating balloon. I ate a piece of gum which had sugar in it and it tasted different in fact I go as far as to say that I got a sugar fix that eased my headache, yeah I know from a stick of gum oh well, even if it's mind over matter, I don't feel the bloat that I did three days ago, and that's a good feeling.

So I'll proceed with the plan and see what one week on the Beach will do for me.
3 days down 4 more days go until next weigh in.

DAY ONE ON THE BEACH

2007-07-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today was day one on the beach. I weighed in butt naked and having pee-ed, at a weight of 232.5 lbs yikes! My goal is to get to a weight of 155 lbs, and reevaluate my weight loss goals in terms of whether or not I want to go for 145 lbs, once I reach my goal of 155.

I've decided to go back to the gym even though truthfully I don't want to, but I figure that butt naked weighing only tells one side of the story. So I'll post my gym weight with work out cloths on, on a scale that isn't moved all over the place hoping to find that perfect place on the floor that makes me weigh less. I'll have my measurements and BMI taken also and the truth as given by the gym representative will be the Monthly Weight Loss marker.

But my home weight will be my weekly. Does that make sense?

So I want to lose a total of 77.5 lbs

I can do this. I know I can.

PHASE ONE

FOOD - Breakfast: scrambled eggs with a two sausage patties. (I read SB and I ate one too many so that won't happen again.) One cup of hot lemon water with 2 packs of splenda.

LUNCH - One whole Chicken breast with skin, salad greens and salad dressing. I glass of lemonade made with lemon juice, and splenda.

SNACK - 6 large Shrimp, a few nuts.

DINNER - Fish fried in canola oil and green french cut beans cooked with butter and 2 packets of splenda. sprayed with dressing and sprinkled with butter buds.

SNACK - Sugar free jello.

I think I've managed to get in my eight glasses of water, my mistake was that although I was drinking I wasn't counting.

So that's it folks. Day one done.

Truthfully it wasn't too hard, I enjoyed my green beans and home made lemonade without regular sugar. I think I'll give myself a thumbs up!

SOUTH BEACH

2007-06-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

I feel kind of down today and can't seem to shake the feeling.

I notice that I walk around like a little old lady, full of aches and pains, hunched over, and hurting and that trying on cloths is totally misery inducing and of course the misery that I feel in trying on the kind of cloths that once use to flatter me, is worse because they don't flatter me any more.

Wide cloths in extra large sizes don't flatter. Not me anyway, So I don't go shopping and instead stress myself out trying to fit in cloths that don't fit any more and if they do don't look right on me, because I don't look or feel right in them.

Saturday was on of those stressful days, and so fed up I got dressed in a too tight knee length denim skirt which because of my fat belly, butt and thighs looked like a lop sided mini skirt and let me not forget my oh so cute when I was slim "back fat" hugging tee shirt.

I hate to say this, but I feel really ugly and of course fat. Ugly and Fat, Oh my God how awful. I've lost that sparkle in my eyes, and that smile that's totally about being happy. Being fat is robbing me of life. I have no energy, and no interest in doing the simplest of tasks. I've lost interest in how I look, yet I can't pretend that how I look doesn't bother me, because it does, it bothers me a lot. I mean does anyone have any idea how much energy it takes to cross your legs when your fat, that's if you can keep them crossed.

For some reason I keep catching my reflection in the mirror today, oh my God where did I go? and how come there's so much of this person who I've become now. I look at my reflection and I can hardly believe that I'm the person that looks back at me in the mirror, I can hardly recognize myself, I look so different and so old and run down. I don't look like me and I don't want people that I know and haven't seen for a while to bump into me. Hmm that means I'm ashamed of me. Now that's some heavy shit. Oh yeah and I use lots of energy trying to duck and weave so that I won't be spotted. It's crazy how peoples eyes open wide when they see how much weight you've gained. It's like having a huge pimple on your nose, they can't help but focus in on it. But when your fat, your the HUGE PIMPLE.

So past unhappiness, what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do about weight induced snoring, and the pressure that I feel on my heel spurs. What am I going to do about my bulging stomach, swollen ankles, backache, knee joint pain, swollen fingers, dead looking skin and now dry scalp from I guess not drinking enough water. What am I going to do about trynna wipe my behind without it turning into an areobic work out.

A few entries back I mentioned the start of Deal A Meal. Well since I can't find the real cards I stopped using my make shift paper ones. It's an excuse and a pretty lame one at that but at the time, I figured if I didn't make mention of it any more, whoever happens to stop by for a read, won't have noticed that I haven't mentioned not loosing a drop of weight on the program.

Truth is I stopped almost day one, I stopped without really ever getting started.

Yeah, yeah don't beat myself up right? Trust me I'm not trying to do that, but To thy own self be true, and I haven't been.

So since I'm constantly reading weight loss blogs, and message boards, I responded to a weight loss challenge using South Beach. It starts on July 1st, (today) And so June 30th was my last day to chow and gulp down on everything that I wanted to eat and drink.

Aware that it's totally crazy to do so, that didn't stop me, (did you read my previous post?)needless to say I'm food stuffed and at the moment craving water. (salty foods will do that to ya!)

Since the challenge begins July 1st 2007........ With 4th of July right a few days away from the start of a new program, I decided to have my July 4th on the 30th of June, just to get the need to pig out, out of my system. So, pigging out, out of the way, I stopped eating before midnight.

I'll weigh in butt naked in the morning, and post my start weight and measurements. And it will be a South Beach way of eating from this point on, so help me GOD.

What's weird is that although I know I have a little red wagon full of fat to loose, my focus, isn't on the weeks ahead, but on a single day at a time.

I know that unlike other times, I really need to tune myself in mentally to follow through on the changes that I want to make. I've got to almost go into detox and do my own therapy soul searching and healing. I have got to get real.
So, I intend to keep a written paper journal . I there are things that I need to deal with, that would take too much time to work through on here.

I'll take some before pictures which I'll post at some point. and I'll take some in between pictures to help document my progress.

I feel sad...... About me. That's an admitted truth, but I know that I'm not alone because someone out there, has their own weight related "About Me" story, dealing with their own fat and ugliness.

But one things for sure, I don't want to be fat any more.

TOTALLY INSANE

2007-06-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

Why is it that it cost more money to eat healthy? Well in my case I'll tell you.
I go through this ritual, of wanting things to be just right food wise, so first of all I make sure that I get all the foods that I know I won't be eating for a while, things that I ordinarily don't eat mind you. Pepper ridge farm cookies???????? come on! I until yesterday hadn't eaten any of those in what two years. And it doesn't stop there, I cram my basket with OJ, mixed fruit juices, sodas, ice cream, (the deluxe kind mind you.) chocolates, grummy worms, bagels, hot dog buns, sliced bread, BUTTER! fish fry, huh? huh, huh, you read right, fish fry, to deep fry fish and make home made french fries to go along with it. But it doesn't stop there, let's not forget jam, marmalade, canned baked beans in thick brown sugar, Jumbo eggs, so that I can have MORE EGG from one EGG, how crazy is that sausages, Jimmy Deans, this and Jimmy Deans that. The list goes on and on. and so does my dollars. Can someone say Therapy? Then of course can't have healthy without preparing for the healthy next thing you know, I have every kind of mix of bagged lettuce by Dole. Cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, sweet potatoes, 1% and skimmed milk, half and half, just in case the recipe calls for half and half instead of 1% or skimmed milk.

Bottom line is insanity aside, we all know what we're suppose to do. And it isn't feast because we've talked ourselves into believing that we're about to enter a famine.
Someone please tell me that I'm not the only one that does this.

IT'S A NO BRAINER

2007-06-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

Measure, weight, drink my water, eat fruits and plenty of veg. Cut out fried foods, ice cream and sodas. EXERCISE.

LOSE TO GAIN AN INSPIRATION

2007-06-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

Sitting here at my computer like I often do in the evenings, it's nothing new for me to take time out to read my favorite blogs.

A few months ago I stumbled on a Blog about "An old promise." Losetogain. Wow, just wow. WOW! There's something totally real and honest and in your face about this guy. And as I sit on my chair, sharing in his happiness on You tube, May 17th 2007 entry, I can't help but feel as though he's dancing for the slim in all of us....... It's a great victory dance.

Take my hand Dustin, I want to be able to dance with you too......

THE STORK CAME TO TOWN

2007-06-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

My daughter gave birth on the 13, June 2007 to a beautiful baby boy, weighing in at 8lb 6oz's 21 inches long. And I was blessed to be able to share the whole experience with her, I even got to cut the baby's cord.

Needless to say it's been a busy few days, what with helping the new parents settle into parenthood. I don't remember it been so hard when it was me who was having the baby and adjusting to all the changes that it brought to my life. I don't remember it been so hard with two children. But here I am grand ma, and you'd think it was me who gave birth. I am totally physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted even now. And I feel old.

The part that jumps up at me in that last paragraph is of course the fact that I feel old, much older than I am, and much older than I should be feeling, and I know that weight and lack of exercise don't help. In saying that, I did go to the gym like I said I would in my last post entry. I went despite the rain. I worked out on the bike for 12 minutes, then I did the treadmill for 30 I felt really good about the fact that I worked hard, and I rewarded myself with 3 minutes of steam and then 12 of the dry sauna. I felt so clean and light afterwards that it felt like I had lost 5 lbs. But that was Friday and after that life, and regular eating no gym or home exercise got in the way.

I don't even know what I weigh right now. All I know is that I'm not there yet, it hasn't clicked, I'm not committed and I haven't set my mind to getting it done. Because once I do, life will include that which is important to me. meaning diet and exercise, and I can't say that it does right now. But I will keep giving it what I have until I finally enter the zone.

IT'S ON

2007-06-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

Well like I said, it's Deal A Meal and back to the gym time. I started this morning with a peach. (haven't had once of those in a long time) one scrambled egg done in non fat cooking spray, and 3 rashers of pre-cooked bacon. Lunch was a Asian salad from McDonalds, with grilled chicken mandarin oranges and almonds, sprayed with wish bone Italian vinaigrette salad spritzer's. And have drank a lot of water, no soda's or juices. I'm STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not even 4.00 P.M. I also feel light headed somewhat, I have hunger pains, and feel gassy., and I have that I'm missing all the other shit feeling in my mouth.

To top it all it's raining, and you know rain is a huge deterrent when it comes to going to the gym, but my ass is going regardless! Hell I might even take in some steam! Okay, Okay we'll see.

Have a good weekend everyone!

CARDS ON THE TABLE

2007-06-07T11:32:00.000-07:00

We all know that being fat doesn't just come from lack of exercise alone and trust me I've been doing a lot of chowing down which proves that fact.

Over the years I can't tell you how many diet's I've tried and how many I've invested in and wished from the moment I had the program in hand, that I hadn't.

Truthfully at times the diets that I tried didn't fail me, I failed because from day one on most of the plans, I knew I would. I'd expect a quick fix with quick results, by now of course I know that those expectations were pretty stupid thinking on my part, hell, I'm a living testimony that quick fixes do not work. Then of course I'd try weight loss plans that outline your meals for you, and knowing that I'm not going to eat or drink soy based food items, cottage cheese, oatmeal and that there is no way I'm going to chow down on barley loaf stuffed with chick peas.
will someone for the Love of God, please tell me why I'd fork out cash on a program that doesn't often you any substitutions?

Now, if I had to say which weight loss programs gave me the most success, I'd have to say, the 1994 version of the Weight Watchers plan was top of the list, LA Weight Loss Centers second and Deal A Meal last but not least coming in at a third. And so if I had to say why I was successful on them, I'd have to be straight up honest and say that the plans worked because I had made up my mind to abide by the rules that's it, plain and simple.

I was enthused and hopeful, something clicked and made sense and I wanted IT, the diet to work, In fact I'd go as far as to say that you couldn't pry me off the programs once I was on it, I was slowly living the before and after existence and as I watched the numbers on the scale go down, the thrill that I got from gradually getting smaller superseded that of wanting to pig out or cheat.

Suddenly I didn't mind the taste of lettuce, I mentally placed my thoughts towards food, in the zone where there were no thoughts about food. It was one exchange for another and on the 3 programs each paid off.

But, a diet only traps the beast, and once it escapes which you know it will, all food breaks loose and it's on along with the pounds you lost plus some. No, diets don't work, but they can make you think they do, just like quick fixes. What works is mentally changing your way of thinking towards food and making those changes fit a new life style. Where instead of having a relationship with food, you start to have a relationship with yourself.

Like the title of the book says, He's just not into you, well Food just isn't into you either, you can't live to eat, you have to eat to live, and if I'm honest, that was the difference that made the weight loss possible every time I lost large amounts of weight, I got that, but what I failed to get was a handle on my emotions, the golden key that releases the beast from it's place of imprisonment within me.

Since joining Weight Watchers back in '94, I can't remember how many times I've rejoined since, or for that matter how many variations of the plan I've tried to follow each time I did. But I do know that I've rejoined LA Weight Loss Centers a total of 3 times that isn't a easy chunk of change to throw away on a whim. Especially when your not rich by any means and living pay check to pay check.

Deal A Meal hmm, I invested in that program a total of 3 times, twice with the cards and once with the Food Move Over gadget that replaced the cards.

I'd laugh but it's not funny, when I think about it seriously, all it proves is that I'm constantly searching for a quick fix to make loosing weight easy and a no brainer. Who am I kidding? Weight loss isn't easy, if it were we wouldn't be blogging about it, because we'd all have a handle on our struggles.

So, since I've vented, what plan am I going to follow this time? Well, it's got to be the tried and tested no quick fixes you put in what you get out one of the three. I've thought about bringing my behind back to Weight Watchers, but I don't want to put another red dime on the counter especially knowing that I'm already struggling to get my behind to the gym as it is, without adding additional pressure to attend weekly meetings. I can't afford to do L.A Weight Loss Centers, that plus I can't eat another supplement or consume large amounts of protein, my mind is totally not in that zone any more. So, Deal A Meal wins. Can you see Richard Simmons tearing up? Just like the other plans, I know Deal A Meal well, I know it works, I know it allows me the freedom to eat real foods, and that when those cards tally at the end of the day, there is no reason why I should be eating.

So starting tomorrow, it's on, I'm dealing my way to better health, God help me.

WORK IT TILL YOU LAUGH

2007-06-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

I did it, with a lot of encouragement from my sister, I got up from the couch and worked my behind off. At first my intention was just to show her the difference between various walking exercise tapes, so I put the DVD in and sat my behind down, but then she got this brilliant idea to work out, only she didn't mean alone. So there I am exercise walking with smiling shiny eyes George Foreman. I have to give the dude props however, because he didn't ask anything of us that he wasn't doing too, he worked out from start to finish too, cheering us on, and telling us to work within our comfort level. Truthfully, by behind wanted to sit the hell down, regardless of all of that, but Georgie was so real, and so totally in touch with what I might be going through as a over weight completely unfit novice, that I didn't quit even though I wanted to. The fact that my deeps don't dip as deep as people on the DVDs did, and that my squats barely dipped 5 inches, made the realization of just how totally unfit I was a in my face wake up call, but my sister continued to push my ass to towards a better me, whilst all the time telling me, you can't let smiling granny (the old lady on the workout DVD) work it whilst you quit. And yeah granny was smiling and doing her thang! and for a brief moment I wished granny would QUIT! Screaming my way through the burn, from the exercises, I continued to scream and laugh and shout abuse through the warm up, work out and cool down. It's like being tickled to what feels like near death, at first it's pretty funny, then it starts to get seriously un- funny, but as you chuckle spit bubbled audible words of stop, and motion to cry, you can't help but laugh even though your hurting, and as you hurt because it feels less and less funny, your pleads get more and more desperate, only the idiot that is tickling you, seems to think that your painful laughter means that you want more. It hurts to move your body and by now you've developed the crazy laugh which is clear that you've entered border line insanity, but they keep on tickling you, till you start to have unspoken conversation in your head, knowing that your either going to puke your brains out or stop breathing all together. Suddenly your loving friends/family or other half, is starting to look all crazed, and their smiling and laughing like SMILING GRANNY, have they lost their mind, of course they have as they tickle you towards what might very well be your final resting place. But in one last ditch effort your brain at that point tells you that you aren't breathing like you should, and the only way to truly save yourself is to make a huge PUKE sound. This normally stops the tickler from tickling. I exercised towards a glimmer of light, I worked myself hard enough to sweat, and laugh until I thought I would puke, I built up a thirst that can only be compared to that of a brush fire disparately needing rain. I was THIRSTY! But I stuck it out as hard as it was, and tried to control my breathing.

More importantly than all of that was the wonderful feeling that I had, knowing that I had done it. I kept up with smiling granny, Georgie would have been proud of me, because my sister was proud of me and I was proud of myself, I felt strong and alive after feeling like I would just about croak it. My sister was right I did feel great, I ain't gonna lie, when I tell you that it was worth it.

SHAMEFULLY

2007-06-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

Shamefully I didn't go to the gym last night. Yeah I know, lowered eyes. Instead I went home, and though I could have, I didn't work out there either, but I did sit and stuff my face with the tiniest bit of salad, BBQ wings and baked potato whilst I watched my sister get her work out done. I felt bad, hard to believe I know, but it's true, because I knew that she was doing what I needed to be doing, and after all 3 weeks at it, I could see the evidence of what working out really does when you make your mind up to do it. But, since pay day isn't till Thursday, I let the price of gas be the deciding factor on whether I would make a left on the high way or make a right and head on home, needless to say it didn't take long for me to find an excuse that I could get my head around, even though I kicked it around a bit before I sent a email to my friend, seeking approval for my decision, (Now there's another issue) because deep down inside I knew it was a lame excuse, and that excuses like that don't wash, even with me. But what with gas prices being what they are, she completely understood, and suddenly we were trading emails about nation wide gas prices, lack of funds, and how much money we had put into our gas tanks for this week. Then today I decided not to bring my gym bag to work with me, no gym bag, no gym, simple, right? Wrong, because not bringing my gym bag so that I have an excuse not to work out today, doesn't wash either, how could it, when excuses aside, deep down inside, I WANT TO GO TO THE GYM, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, but hear me out, I can honestly find a hundred reason why I shouldn't go, but here are a few good reasons why I want to go, and I've never had the desire before so I know they count for something. I want to prove that I can do it and stick to it because I don't want to fail. It bothers me that the personal trainer that took me through my free work out session, might notice that I'm M.I.A. And the last thing I want for her to think, is that here comes another un-used membership holder, wasting her money, and our time. A Quitter who's heart really wasn't into it when she joined. Someone that talks the talk but won't walk the walk, She's fat, terribly unfit and claims to be miserable because of it, yet she won't spend 1 hour a day to do anything about it. No I don't want to be that person, even if these last two days have been about me being just that. I don't want to give up before I've even begun to really get started. And I don't want to feel the way I do now, So Thursday, No lame ass excuses.

ROUND ONE EXERCISE

2007-06-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

I've never liked exercise, though you'd probably find that hard to believe if you ever saw the large collection of work out DVDs and video tapes that I own.

Even in elementary school, I remember telling my mother that the teacher was trying to kill me, because she wanted me to do head stands, cart wheels and physical education in general, needless to say that by the time I reached high school, I pretty much hated all of it, the apparatus, jumping the horse, (buck) climbing rope, tennis, rounders, hockey, netball, volley ball, cross country running, fencing, pogo stick racing and stilts, so by the time I reached adulthood I added aerobic work out tapes, strength training and gyms to the list.

But the older I get, the more I realize that the weight doesn't just drop off the way it use to and all my wobbly bits don't just fall back neatly into place, and suddenly at 44 years of age all my wobbly bits refuse to allow me to push and shove them into places that they clearly don't want to go, instead they demand that I step to the plate and get real with myself, and at times that's a really hard thing to do.

So here I am unwillingly preparing myself for the road ahead, and I wish I didn't have to, because what a road it is, a road that consists of reps, sets, aerobics and sweat and even though I know that I didn't do this to myself over night, it sure feels as though I went to bed slim and woke up fat, and sometimes I'm bewildered at how this could in fact have happened to me. Yeah, I'm fat, unfit and disparately need of fix all of the things that are broken, yet I still find it hard to believe that I allowed myself to be talked into surrendering my credit card information for yet another expense as I'm billed monthly on a two year membership to belong to a gym that is 3 towns from where I live, 3 exits from where I work. How is that possible? And I realize that now that I'm a copy cat to prove a point kind of chic by this act of total madness because as I watched the reality t.v. show Work Out I was impressed by one of the women who traveled 2 and a 1/2 hours just to get to the gym, and I guess that subconsciously I took her impressive determination and ran with it, because she had a weight problem, wasn't thin and could so easily have been me, accept (here it comes) for the fact that her head is obviously in a different place to where mine is.

Can you say, If she can do it, I can do it...? Laugh, yeah OK.

So with some hounding from the recruiting team, I filled out all the necessary contracts, ouch! and I've been to the gym twice, since then for the cardio part of my free training session, (Oh how I wish I could afford a personal trainer.) and the strength training session.

Weighing in at 230 lb's with a BMI of 43% It should be 30%, groan, I am now the proud owner of one aerobic class schedule for the month, one strength training plan, and some knowledge of my strength training goals that I am suppose to be working at with the help of the machinery, Then with a brief once over of a few of the things that I know I will enjoy, once I convince my lazy mind to use them. i.e. whirlpool, dry and steam saunas. Kickboxing class and beginners spin class. I've being set free, with not a real clue as to what I'm doing, but I'll fake it till I make it without a personal trainer.

So, round one: belongs to my inner child, albeit that I made a decision to follow in the footsteps of some woman on t.v. who I've never met and more than likely never will.

That said, since I don't like exercise, you know the battle is on, because there is a part of me that doesn't want to go to the gym after work, doesn't want to drive all that way to get there. then have to drive even further to get home. doesn't want to spend 30 minutes trying to think of things to think about whilst I'm on the treadmill, doesn't want to try and look all cute as I sip water because I've built up a sweat doing a 5 minute warm up, when what I really want to do is GULP IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Being a couch potato, doesn't anyone really admit that?) I'd rather head on home, drop my bags at the door, grab a hold of the remote, put my feet up, chill, eat, chill some more then get my snooze on. "But If I can go to the gym being the exercise hater that I am, know what, YOU CAN DO IT TOO.

Did I just say that? Hmmm!

THE BATTLE BEGINS

2007-06-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the words "if I can do it, you can do it." after someone that I know has lost a lot of weight with diet and exercise? Only as soon as I hear the words, deep down inside, I can't help but feel the question rise up from my protruding gut, then out of my mouth, as I ask, "How'd you do it?"Hmm, slap my ears, Duh! Didn't they just say "Diet and Exercise." Yeah, they did, but I don't want to know about that part, naw, what I want to know about is the Miracle........... Yeah that's right, the miracle potion that made them slim and shapely.

Only by now I know that there is no miracle potion and no amount of wishful thinking will bring one into being, after all wasn't it Oprah that said, if there were she would have it and own the rights to the potion?

Fact is, in my heart of hearts I know that to loose weight I can't continue to eat and veg like I have been. So whadda know, that all to familiar battle of the wills begins, when my inner child says "yes, sure you can, whilst my head is saying, Yeah Right, it ain't happening baby.

So, miracle potion less, this is my story of a boxing match between my inner child, SURE CAN and My head, YEAH RIGHT. A 12 rounds fight of the battle of the wills.

In the Right corner, wearing red fonts, put your hands together and give a round of applause for My Inner Child, Sure Can, I want to be a 145 lbs. And in the Left corner, wearing the blue fonts, raise your fists, and give a loud boo for Yeah Right. weighing in at 230 lbs, and who has won, countless titles over the years and who still holds the belt for Heavy Weight Yeah Right Champion of the Blogging World.

Ding, Ding, Ding.

This should be interesting.

ROUND ONE: The Gym!