A FULL LENGHT MIRROR

SOME ME OF BEAUTY

<~~~~ By Carolyn Rodgers.

I didn't realize that my mother's hair was gray,

but one morning,

I took a long look at her and a good long look at myself

in a full lenght mirror

And what I saw,

was not just some soul sista, woman, poetess of the moment,

but what I saw, what I saw, what I saw

looking in a full lenght mirror

caused a spiritual revelation and a root revival,

coming on, coming on, coming on strong.

And I knew right then and there,

that many things were over

and some me of beauty was just about to begin.

FREE

The mask comes off.

This is who I am......... No more hiding.

OK, had to sit and let it sink in that I'm posting a picture of myself on my weight loss Blog. Because I haven't taken any pictures for years and I'm not kidding.

The truth is, whether on Kodak paper or in real life, I spend, correction, spent most of my time feeling totally fat and ugly and how I saw myself and the feelings that came as a result of how I saw myself got worse, when my ex husband, called me a "Big fat slob" in front of his girlfriend. To belittle and degrade me.

Now if beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder, I wasn't able to behold his beauty from that moment on, because as the words left his mouth he suddenly became so ugly looking to me, that I was instantly repulsed by him! But at the same time, in my hurt I couldn't get past what he said, I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt me that way....... After all we once loved each other, shared our lives together and I am the mother of his children, I couldn't get past the shock and as I became filled with emotion his words penetrated so deep inside of me, that a venomous snake bite couldn't have penetrated into me any deeper.

A year later, I still couldn't brush the words from off of me and it made my quest to loose weight harder, because I wanted to BE SLIM to SHOW HIM, Show that I wasn't what and who he said I was, then I'd loose a few pounds gain it back and then some, all the time hearing his words ringing in my ears and the more I digested them the more I started to believe in what he said.

Yeah I know, get over it already, but when you don't feel great about your weight and someone who you once loved attacks you verbally in regards to your insecurity getting over it already is easier said than done.

To say that his words tore into my soul, is an understatement because they did that and more, as each word ripped apart my already low self esteem. Wow I can't believe I'm writing this.

So out of no where, here I am, facing my own demons, challenging myself to deal with issues that make loosing weight a 1000 times harder than it need ever be. After all, how will I know what I want to be when I grow up, if I can't see who I want to be because of the things that make reaching for them near to impossible.

So today! Lets see.......... Losing emotional baggage........ I've taken a pounding verbally during and after the fact, but enough!

So to my ex this is what I want to say........I HATED YOU FOR WHAT YOU SAID TO ME...... YOU HURT ME AND I DESPISED YOU FOR IT. YOU TRIED TO BELITTLE ME AND YOU SUCCEEDED BECAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT TO EVER HEAR THOSE WORDS FROM YOU. I allowed you to deposit those words in my head, heart and soul...... I allowed you to let them live rent free inside of me, to eat away at me as they slowly brain washed me into believing that what you said was true.............. BUT NO MORE!!!!!!!! No more........ NO MORE!

Because today, I know that I am beautiful, heavy or thin, inside and out not because of any reassuring words that anyone has or might have said to me, but because today I choose to say them to myself and you can't take that away from me not any more.

What you meant for harm, I've made a choice to turn to good. That which you wanted to destroy me, as only MADE ME STRONGER! (HUGE SMILE)

You fed me words that made me heavy internally, and I ate more to ease the pain and when I ate your words would ring again in my ears and punish me. You had me frozen, by bruising me with 3 little words, stagnant as you stood empowered because you had hurt me where you knew it would hurt, but now, today, I've made a choice to forgive you for everything you said to me, YES forgive you........

And boy do I intend to feast on forgiving you with a whole heart, because suddenly I realize that to forgive you is so much easier to digest than hate. And as I forgive you, I also realize that I have nothing to prove to you, NOTHING! Nothing at all and now I can finally say that the weight of you is off my back.

So get this, I, YES ME! evict you from my thoughts....... and I'm free! you hear me, I'M FREE...........

Release of tears, that's all for now folks........ that's all....

BLOGGERS INSIGHTS

During the last few days I've been somewhat emotional, partly due to weight gain and the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with feeling like I've failed once again, then feeling even worse because I'm on the binge eat again, chowing down on anything and everything that isn't nailed down. I feel like that tiny mouse on the wheel, treading steps but going absolutely nowhere.

To top it all, I've also had my share of personal drama's which made me feel angry at myself for being angry because I once again allowed myself to be drawn into mess that someone else decided to stick right under my nose. I've cried a lot, and ached a lot, ached when the tears wouldn't come, ached when and because they did, ached when they were wet and circling my nose and ached when they were dry tears getting ready to almost choke me. In short, I've been feeling totally gloomy.

But in the midst of gloom, I found the Blog, Finding Flabuless - Blog and suddenly I feel a lot better than I have, even in regards to food. Yeah I know, it's AMAZING, amazing how you can be totally down for days/weeks at a time, when suddenly a stranger enters your life in the most unexpected way, and whadda know, days/weeks of gloom start to go away.

Now get this......... Right now I'm not, and I repeat NOT on a weight loss diet. I'm going to eat and I might gain, and that's ok......... LAWD have mercy did I say that? laugh, Yeah I did. I did say that. What I am on however is a mentally and emotionally and spiritually self renewal and healing diet. Hmmm. Don't search for it on the web, lol because this diet comes from learning to be ok with myself.

Am I saying that I've given up on loosing weight? No, not at all, in fact loosing weight is as important to me as ever, but unless I shed all the negative thoughts and feelings that I've allowed others and myself to feed to myself, I will never be able to loose the weight and keep it off. Like the book said, it's not what we're eating it's what's eating us that can sometimes cause us to keep on repeating the same patterns that keep us where we are, and i honestly believe that because they are the first things that beat me down, when I say that I have failed.

Like I've posted before I am at times my own worst enemy, my own hindrance but more than that, I've allowed other peoples opinions of me to often times effect my own opinion of myself.

This is a emotional and mental exercise, with physical and spiritual rewards. Because I've been hunched over for so long, that standing straight in a full length mirror, will be a totally physical thing for me to do.

Losing the Baggage! I'm ready to start self healing.