REFLECTIONS

I just weighed myself, before peeing and pooping and 233 lbs was the number that registered on the scale, which of course resulted in instant panic. I don't however know why I'm really all that shocked, after all I know that I'm not officially on a weight loss program and that I'm eating whatever I want, when I want it. But even so, I'm 1 lb away from being at my heaviest weight once again and God forbid could even past that at the rate that I'm going.

I'm still reading the book, but would you believe have only just gotten to chapter three told you it would be a slow read, because it's a deliberate slow read. I'm answering all the exercises as recommended and my shopping list is almost complete, minus new sneakers and work out cloths, which I'll buy in the next couple of weeks.

But I've purchased all that I need to get started, exercise mat, ankle weights, dumb bells, medicine balls, stability ball. exercise tube and a skipping rope and all of that added to things I already owned means that I'm pretty much set. Minus the sneakers clothes, and bench. (I want a bench for Christmas.)

Now get this, I want to start working out....... uh, uh, it's true and last night I started using the tubes, but got put off because I was butt naked and looking in the mirror as I tried my exercise tubes. Folks please don't try this at home if you have a weight problem and your body looks anything like mine, because it's the most disheartening thing that you will ever feel. I mean there I am working the above and all I can see is the work ahead of me as I enter brain wash mode and mantra my way into inwardly saying to myself that what I'm doing isn't going to work. So it's clothes on folks, because that kind of brain washing I can do without.

Anyway regardless of how I look now, I'm going to continue with the plan. Like I've said I'm reading chapter three of the book, which consists of 111 pages. It will be in this chapter that I'll do the most work. During this chapter that I will learn proper form and start working out. For once, exercise before focusing on food intake. With me it's normally the other way around. So this should be interesting.

I'm still focused on my September 16 start date for the food aspect of the program because like I said my cholesterol check won't be until the 13th and I want to be able to compare my levels six weeks from then as he recommends. It's a different journey for me, it's new, it's focused it's deliberate and apart from exercising in the buff and the numbers on the scales today's weigh in, I feel pretty good.

As a result of today weight, I've decided not to weigh again until the 16, because I don't want to get derailed by the numbers on the scale. Because now that I think about it, Kirsch hasn't said weigh yourself, at least not yet and so I'm thinking that there must be a reason for it, considering he is more interested in the reader getting a cholesterol check. So I'm going to put the scales away as soon as I'm done here.

HIS WAY

I've being working really hard at prepping myself for my six week commitment to follow David Kirsch's plan. Dotting all my I's and crossing all my T's I've devoted the last few days to slowly reading his book and completing all of the written exercises, and I'm proud of myself for mentally gearing up to the challenge ahead of me, instead of rushing ahead to follow a plan without really knowing what it's really all about.
Part of the preparation involves getting my LDL and HDL cholesterol checked, So, I've made an appointment to have both checked on September 13th and I will officially start the program on the 16th, almost 4 whole weeks away.

In the meantime I'm going through with everything Kirsch recommends. I'm using my note book to jot down my feelings in regards how I feel about the program as well as answering the questions that he asks and following things he recommends.

I've started to purchase, the basic "please have if possible." pieces of equipment for my make shift home gym, things like 2 lbs dumb bells and medicine balls, following his recommendation to start light and work your way up, I can handle that. I know that even with 2 lb weights lack of activity is going to make it feel like 50.

I have yet to invest in a exercise mat, 5 lb ankle weights, new work out clothes, and new sneakers. Now, I know that I don't have to follow the program to extremes, by getting all the please have if possible things, but I've always approached weight loss and exercise half heartedly, meaning I would buy a book, and skip over all the introductory pages and focus on what I felt was most important. Or I'd buy a work out dvd and watch the style with which the warm up was done and then decide naw it's not for me.

Or I'd fork over lots of money for a program and have the representative tell me how it works, after I parted with the money, only to discover that it is another nutritionally based supplement diet. So, since I've never really committed my all 100%, this time around I've decided to shift gears, to stop doing what I've always done in order not to end up with what I've always got.

This time, I'm taking it all in, and positioning myself for the new start that he talks about, new mind set, new openness, no goals, new focus, new commitment, new out look, new way of thinking , new work out clothes, new sneakers, new pieces of exercise equipment. New makes sense to me. It makes sense that by placing myself back into old molds there results will more than likely be the same. Yeah I could wear my old fuddy duddy faded, dis-shaped, tee shirts, and my cheap sneakers that aren't comfortable, set myself up for possible failure, but I do want to change all of that, I want to feel good about what I'm doing, and if new work out clothes can help to improve my state of mind, I'm all for it.

FOOD
Now here's the big one, the CRUNCH, the proof of the pudding, which willing surely be in the eating Crunch. Lawd have mercy, Kirsch wants the reader to clean house, as in where you house your food. Yeah, Clean, as in OUT! all white foods, such as flour, pasta, sugar, rice, bread, and all processed can and frozen fruit and veggies, in fact he gives you a list. GULP! Now folks, not for nothing, but I want to do this program, his way and not mine. I want to do it right so, if I'm in for a penny shouldn't I be in for a pound too?

So why is it that I am having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around this one. I mean I almost broke into a cold sweat when I read his instructions. throw out, as in OUT, OUT? uh uh, throw, bung, toss, discard, just get rid of it baby girl.

And this is my rational as to why I can't.


1. People are dying of hunger all over the world. So I can't, it wouldn't be right.
2. My boyfriend needs it.
3. What if I have guests and don't have any canned veggies? (I never have guests, duh)
4. Real food is too expensive.
5. My pantry will be empty.
6. I can't do that,
7. Is he crazy?
8. Let me read that part again.
9. Maybe I can switch this part of the program up with someone else's program.
10. Girl what's so hard? Why can't you do this?

Using my boyfriend as an excuse, is just that a really bad excuse. He doesn't care if the pasta is whole wheat or not, and he doesn't care if the veggies are fresh or frozen, in fact he'd appreciate the fresh veggies more. So what's the big deal, really?

THINKING

Well, if it's not in the house I can't eat it and my emotional security blankey will be gone, that's it in a nut shell. I'm an emotional eater and food represents emotional security, and without food to cushion my moods I will have to find something else.

With this one aspect of the program, I find myself fighting to win, knowing that this is a no win situation, after all, it's either want it as much as I say I do or I'm kidding myself into thinking that I do, when in fact I don't.

It's got to be either all or nothing, because it can't be both. I can't expect results, if I'm going to tell the teacher that, although his way is tested and proved I've decided to do my way with the option to blame him and his program if and when my way doesn't work........

Bottom line, I'm gonna do it his way, because my way sure won't work.