STARTING OVER

Question > How many times can one start over? Answer > Till one gets it right.

So here I am again, not sure what my weight is for today, but a couple of days ago I weighed in at 233.4 lb's so I would imagine that I'm somewhere in that ball park give or take a pound or two butt naked. Even so I'll weigh in before going to bed and again at the start of my day.

I started my weight loss program today and so far so good. I'm doing deal a meal again, hey I know it works and I know that I can do it without having to do a whole lot of work. I can basically eat whatever I like, and apply a card to it and I like the fact that it is what it is, when the cards or done, or the move it slots are closed, that's it, your done eating. A no brain-er for sure. (I had to purchase deal a meal again, only this time I bid on the food mover pocket calculator because I know I have deal a meal cards in a box, somewhere in the garage) I prefer the cards, but the mover over gadget works just as well. It's just a different angel towards doing the same exact thing.


Anyway, I'll weigh in tomorrow. And I'll start my video blog today.




Ok, Eats:
Breakfast: 1 slice bread, (1 starch) spread of marg. (1 fat) 1 oz 95 % FF deli ham. (1 protein) 1 cup yogurt with aspartame sweetener. (1 milk) 1 glass water. (Getting it down is hard)

Lunch: 1 small fruit cup, ( 1 fruit) 2 slices bread, (2 starch) spread of marg (count as above fat total, 1 tsp) 1 oz 95% FF deli ham. (1 p
Water. (Raving up to drink a glass)

Snack: 1 small side salad. (freebie) FF dressing (1 fat) 1 orange (1 fruit)

Changes
On a soda, juices and sugar in my coffee detox for 7 days. Switched to more fat free items, switched from whole milk to 2%
Eating more fruit and vegetables,

OK RESULTS PLEASE!

Yeah, I know I haven't posted the cholesterol results, hmm not sure why since they were <100 which is really GOOD, in fact the pharmacist said that I won the cookie reward for the day, strange how he didn't produce one after having said it. Anyway I was straving since I hadn't eaten all morning because it was a 12.30 lunch time appointment.

I'm not sure what I ate later on that day.

I'm bigger now than I ever have been, I haven't weighed in, but the need to confirm what I already know to be the truth just isn't there.

I'm going to start a vidoe blog called Changing face. And I'll up load a bulk of them all at once, let you know when though.

Diet....... Hmm I have something up my sleeve.

Will write soon......... I'm still here. Getting a grip!

SO THIS IS IT

It's the , the day before the and as of midnight tonight, nothing goes in my mouth food wise until after I get my cholesterol check done. And then it's on. small deliberate steps towards healthy weight loss.

Truthfully there really isn't anything much for me to report until then, because I haven't weighed in in God knows how long, so without a doubt the numbers on the scale should be real interesting tomorrow.

I'm sleepy a lot, going to bed much to late........ And the book, has gone to the place where books that once held interest go to die. Hey I'm a Gemini what can I say.

But one thing for sure, this cholesterol check is as a result of reading it, this mentally relaxing time out is a result of reading it. My mental preparation over these last weeks have been a result of reading it, so it is nothing without reward.

Tomorrow I'll have all the numbers in hand, and I'll proceed from there.

Come visit.....

Until then, keep jiggy with it.

I HAVE ANKLES

Update, nothing new to report, I'm still waiting for my cholesterol test to be taken, still eating everything I want. I have all my exercise equipment together. Still preparing mentally. I'm still reading chapter 3, I wasn't kidding when I said this was going to be a slow read. But pacing isn't without reason and so I'm ok with it.

I have a little over 2 weeks to go before I start working the program, as in diet and exercise. And when the measurement, weights, cholesterol stats etc are all in, that's the day I begin. September 13, 2007.

Ending on a high note, at least for me, laugh! I have ankles today.

The discovery came when I went to the bathroom, after spending a penny on the royal throne, I bent forward then down, in order to scoop my extra large knickers up from around my ankles and there they were, ankles, MY ANKLES, Not my normal cankles, but real smaller than cankles, ankles. I couldn't help looking at them through the tunnel sized holes of each side of my under ware. Twisting and turning them, as I peeked at them from every angle, I was happier than a pig in sh*t. I can tell you, (Excuse my Farm lingo.)
Because Whadda know for the first time in a long time, I don't have water retention.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, laughing!

I FEEL REALLY REALLY

FAT!!!!!

YU SO CRAZZZZZZZZZZZYYYY

Girl yu so crazyyyyy! At least that's how I feel for today.


1. I'm going to be officiating over a marriage ceremony in September and I'm fat.
2. And because I'm fat I dread having my pictures taken for the event.
3. That makes me want to pull a diet out of my weight loss diet quick fix hat..
4. A diet that will make me loose lets see, 60 lbs by the time the wedding comes around.
5. But, I'm not loosing weight I'm gaining. I wonder why?
6. I'm still on chapter 3 of the book.
7. Because I'm still slow reading, so that I can Pace myself and get the right frame of mind in my approach to this program, although at times it's hard for me to understand why.
8. And my cholesterol test isn't until September 13th. Hence the reason behind my delayed start.

Girl yu so crazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyy!

Truth is, every single time that I've focused on a weight loss program, I've awaited moments like these when I could just EAT anything and everything if and whenever I wanted to. But now that I can and I am eating everything that I want to, whenever I want to, I can't help but feel totally weird about it. There are times when I feel really guilty and I can't help but feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do, like there's some hard and fast rule amongst dieters, a code of honor that I'm being disloyal to, especially when I read other weight loss blogs and every one is loosing weight or feeling bad about having gained .5 lbs. What's crazy is that I'm not loosing by choice. UH! not loosing by choice? so you mean to say that we could choose to loose 60 lbs in 6 weeks if we all wanted to? Nawwwwwww! that's not what I mean, what I mean is, that I have made a choice to just Eat and read. For a while and that isn't the norm for someone that really wants to loose weight. Can you say, Girl yu so crazyyyyyyyyy?

Yeah, I know that I could cut back and just watch what I eat until this program kicks in, but there's a part of me that is committed to doing it Kirsch's way or not at all, yet even I can't kid myself into thinking that actively doing the 6 week challenge is supposed to be drawn out over 4 weeks until the reader starts. Nope I don't think that's what he had in mind for the reader, but I can't help but feel that if Kirsch knew that even in reading the first two chapters I fully comprehend the mental preparation that is needed to get started he wouldn't frown on the fact that I'm getting all my ducks in a row which is something I've never really done before. The rational behind this time table is simply this, I want and it is important to me that I follow the program with a clear and sound mind, I've discarded the old way of doing things, I'm totally open and ready to try his methods without twisting is recommendations to benefit me in the short term but do me more harm in the long. I've made a grounded and sound commitment to follow his program whole heartedly, without all of the fluff and glam that comes with a fanfare announcement to myself and to whoever cares to hear what program I'm on. Even in Blogging trust me when I say that it takes a lot to swim against the tide when everyone else is swimming in the same direction. But since I've completely done away with the I'll start on Monday mindset. And I've eliminated the Crash this diet quick fix diets, in fact I'm done with the I'm on a diet sentence completely, the last thing that I want to do is to rush through the book and just be totally out of my element because I did it, just so that I can say, I'm loosing weight. I'm tired of pushing myself into a square hole when I have a apple shaped body.

I have so been there and done that, that it's old already. Something has to change, and although I can't say that this program will work with a 100% commitment in my voice, I can say that I'm giving it a chance to work because I'm giving it 100% I mean I'm getting my Cholesterol checked to take part in a weight loss and exercise program. That isn't me. Or at least it wasn't me, but now since reading Kirsch, it suddenly appears that is is me and it's as important to me as loosing weight and getting fit and healthy is. Hmm I like that realization.

Girl yu so crazzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy!


I'm up to 232.5 lbs now, which is 2 lbs shy of where I was when I weighed the most I have ever weighed in my entire life. I do feel the weight on me, there's no doubt. And it's pretty evident that I've gained because best Capri's don't fasten and the zipper keeps making these farting sounds every time I sit down as the zipper unfastens and works it's way down the teeth.
I could speed up my reading so that I'd be done with the book, but almost from the beginning I set these tiny doable goals, so that by the time I get my cholesterol checked I would be nearing the end of chapter 3, have my stats in hand and be ready to work the exercise and weight loss phase of the program, with the 6 week commitment in front of me.

I guess it's about proving the theory of the book as well as the practical aspect of it. Who knows, I might even send Kirsch my before and afters as well as my spiral note book as proof that it worked for me.

I'm doing this on a wing and a prayer........ and even though I can eat, dare I say it? uh, uh, it sure ain't easy....

And I can't help but think that of all the things that I have done to find a slimmer me, this one takes the biscuit, because it's causing me to say, at least for today, that

Girlllllllll yu so crazzzzzzyyyyy! For doing it this way.

REFLECTIONS

I just weighed myself, before peeing and pooping and 233 lbs was the number that registered on the scale, which of course resulted in instant panic. I don't however know why I'm really all that shocked, after all I know that I'm not officially on a weight loss program and that I'm eating whatever I want, when I want it. But even so, I'm 1 lb away from being at my heaviest weight once again and God forbid could even past that at the rate that I'm going.

I'm still reading the book, but would you believe have only just gotten to chapter three told you it would be a slow read, because it's a deliberate slow read. I'm answering all the exercises as recommended and my shopping list is almost complete, minus new sneakers and work out cloths, which I'll buy in the next couple of weeks.

But I've purchased all that I need to get started, exercise mat, ankle weights, dumb bells, medicine balls, stability ball. exercise tube and a skipping rope and all of that added to things I already owned means that I'm pretty much set. Minus the sneakers clothes, and bench. (I want a bench for Christmas.)

Now get this, I want to start working out....... uh, uh, it's true and last night I started using the tubes, but got put off because I was butt naked and looking in the mirror as I tried my exercise tubes. Folks please don't try this at home if you have a weight problem and your body looks anything like mine, because it's the most disheartening thing that you will ever feel. I mean there I am working the above and all I can see is the work ahead of me as I enter brain wash mode and mantra my way into inwardly saying to myself that what I'm doing isn't going to work. So it's clothes on folks, because that kind of brain washing I can do without.

Anyway regardless of how I look now, I'm going to continue with the plan. Like I've said I'm reading chapter three of the book, which consists of 111 pages. It will be in this chapter that I'll do the most work. During this chapter that I will learn proper form and start working out. For once, exercise before focusing on food intake. With me it's normally the other way around. So this should be interesting.

I'm still focused on my September 16 start date for the food aspect of the program because like I said my cholesterol check won't be until the 13th and I want to be able to compare my levels six weeks from then as he recommends. It's a different journey for me, it's new, it's focused it's deliberate and apart from exercising in the buff and the numbers on the scales today's weigh in, I feel pretty good.

As a result of today weight, I've decided not to weigh again until the 16, because I don't want to get derailed by the numbers on the scale. Because now that I think about it, Kirsch hasn't said weigh yourself, at least not yet and so I'm thinking that there must be a reason for it, considering he is more interested in the reader getting a cholesterol check. So I'm going to put the scales away as soon as I'm done here.

HIS WAY

I've being working really hard at prepping myself for my six week commitment to follow David Kirsch's plan. Dotting all my I's and crossing all my T's I've devoted the last few days to slowly reading his book and completing all of the written exercises, and I'm proud of myself for mentally gearing up to the challenge ahead of me, instead of rushing ahead to follow a plan without really knowing what it's really all about.
Part of the preparation involves getting my LDL and HDL cholesterol checked, So, I've made an appointment to have both checked on September 13th and I will officially start the program on the 16th, almost 4 whole weeks away.

In the meantime I'm going through with everything Kirsch recommends. I'm using my note book to jot down my feelings in regards how I feel about the program as well as answering the questions that he asks and following things he recommends.

I've started to purchase, the basic "please have if possible." pieces of equipment for my make shift home gym, things like 2 lbs dumb bells and medicine balls, following his recommendation to start light and work your way up, I can handle that. I know that even with 2 lb weights lack of activity is going to make it feel like 50.

I have yet to invest in a exercise mat, 5 lb ankle weights, new work out clothes, and new sneakers. Now, I know that I don't have to follow the program to extremes, by getting all the please have if possible things, but I've always approached weight loss and exercise half heartedly, meaning I would buy a book, and skip over all the introductory pages and focus on what I felt was most important. Or I'd buy a work out dvd and watch the style with which the warm up was done and then decide naw it's not for me.

Or I'd fork over lots of money for a program and have the representative tell me how it works, after I parted with the money, only to discover that it is another nutritionally based supplement diet. So, since I've never really committed my all 100%, this time around I've decided to shift gears, to stop doing what I've always done in order not to end up with what I've always got.

This time, I'm taking it all in, and positioning myself for the new start that he talks about, new mind set, new openness, no goals, new focus, new commitment, new out look, new way of thinking , new work out clothes, new sneakers, new pieces of exercise equipment. New makes sense to me. It makes sense that by placing myself back into old molds there results will more than likely be the same. Yeah I could wear my old fuddy duddy faded, dis-shaped, tee shirts, and my cheap sneakers that aren't comfortable, set myself up for possible failure, but I do want to change all of that, I want to feel good about what I'm doing, and if new work out clothes can help to improve my state of mind, I'm all for it.

FOOD
Now here's the big one, the CRUNCH, the proof of the pudding, which willing surely be in the eating Crunch. Lawd have mercy, Kirsch wants the reader to clean house, as in where you house your food. Yeah, Clean, as in OUT! all white foods, such as flour, pasta, sugar, rice, bread, and all processed can and frozen fruit and veggies, in fact he gives you a list. GULP! Now folks, not for nothing, but I want to do this program, his way and not mine. I want to do it right so, if I'm in for a penny shouldn't I be in for a pound too?

So why is it that I am having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around this one. I mean I almost broke into a cold sweat when I read his instructions. throw out, as in OUT, OUT? uh uh, throw, bung, toss, discard, just get rid of it baby girl.

And this is my rational as to why I can't.


1. People are dying of hunger all over the world. So I can't, it wouldn't be right.
2. My boyfriend needs it.
3. What if I have guests and don't have any canned veggies? (I never have guests, duh)
4. Real food is too expensive.
5. My pantry will be empty.
6. I can't do that,
7. Is he crazy?
8. Let me read that part again.
9. Maybe I can switch this part of the program up with someone else's program.
10. Girl what's so hard? Why can't you do this?

Using my boyfriend as an excuse, is just that a really bad excuse. He doesn't care if the pasta is whole wheat or not, and he doesn't care if the veggies are fresh or frozen, in fact he'd appreciate the fresh veggies more. So what's the big deal, really?

THINKING

Well, if it's not in the house I can't eat it and my emotional security blankey will be gone, that's it in a nut shell. I'm an emotional eater and food represents emotional security, and without food to cushion my moods I will have to find something else.

With this one aspect of the program, I find myself fighting to win, knowing that this is a no win situation, after all, it's either want it as much as I say I do or I'm kidding myself into thinking that I do, when in fact I don't.

It's got to be either all or nothing, because it can't be both. I can't expect results, if I'm going to tell the teacher that, although his way is tested and proved I've decided to do my way with the option to blame him and his program if and when my way doesn't work........

Bottom line, I'm gonna do it his way, because my way sure won't work.

SOUND MIND

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

Personalized

“MY deepest fear is not that I AM inadequate. MY deepest fear is that I AM powerful beyond measure. It is MY light, not MY darkness that most frightens ME. I ask MYSELF, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who AM I not to be? I AM a child of God. MY playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around ME. I AM meant to shine, as children do. I WAS born to make manifest the glory of God that is within ME. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as I let MY own light shine, I unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As I AM liberated from MY own fear, MY presence automatically liberates others.”

I've always loved these words by Marianne Williamson, I guess because when I remove the generalization and turn the word our into my, there is a huge amount of truth that comes to life for me. So when I found the words as quoted in David Kirsch's book, although from the voice of Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural address, it was a very unexpected find, not because the words of Marianne Williamson don't belong in this kind of book, but because the foundation on which the words were placed being that of fitness, nutrition and more importantly a sound mind fits like a square peg to a square hole. In fact I'd go as far as to say that the words speak louder to me now than the words did prior to reading them in his book. They somehow confirm the fact that everything, how I think, how I see myself, how I want to be, and where I want to be, depends largely on how I confront my disappointments and failures, and build on and towards my hopes and dreams, I have to come together so that it all comes together, it all has to balance so that one aspect of my life, i.e. "fear." doesn't tip the balance of all the others.

In order for me to succeed at the very things that I say I want in my life, I have to realize that the negative brain washing must stop so that the positive mantras can root from the seeds and ulitimately flourish. To be able to saythat my greatest fear is that not I am inadequate, but more that I have the ability to be and therefore am powerful beyond measure is to mantra my way to success. I have to apply positive affirmations and live my life with the kind of conviction and drive that is needed in order to go after the things that I say I want as though my life depended on it.

Truthfully now that I am taking time to really think about the exercises that I've started as instructed by this book, as I put my issues on the table, I realize that very little about me is in balance and that most of my feelings of inadequacies are self made or inflicted by others because I've allow myself to become an open target to my own words, and words like those of my ex, words which knocked me off balance, bruise an already low self esteem, cause me to lack confidence and to doubt my own abilities, words that constantly taunted and ate away at me.

Yet I can't help but look in the mirror and ask the me that is reflected, what if? What if my self esteem and self confidence where in tact, wouldn't I have more than likely brushed the hurt off, instead of carrying it deep within me. Isn't the truth of the matter that, the words hurt because in all honesty how he perceived me is in fact how I perceived myself.

So looking at me, in that mirror looking myself straight in the eyes, my first mantra is birth, People can only drag you all over the place if you aren't steady on your feet, but they can't lead you if you don't choose to follow.

And it is clear to me now that if I hadn't follow his lead by allowing him to later drag me to where I didn't want to be mentally and emotionally, who knows, where I might have being today. I use my ex as an example, but it hasn't just been him or that kind of situation, it's been many things, from being over looked by guys amongst my slimmer friends when we've hung out together, because I'm the one that is heavy. to being told that I've tried at business and only real business people have the potential to succeed.

******************

A post or two ago, I mentioned that I didn't want to address the question that Kirsch asked, in the first few pages of his book, which was "are you hiding behind your weight?" and other than to admit that yeah at times I think I am, I just didn't want to touch on the subject past that, of for that matter open myself up to what he was in fact getting at by asking that question. Naw, I was perfectly content to rest in the fact that I was feeling free of the proverbial monkey that I had been carrying on my back, by coming to terms with the hurt that I carried around within me because of words my ex said to me.

That "freedom" was in my mind healing and I fully intended to chill out with where I was in that freedom, and not hurry to deal with a lot of other things, but this Kirsch fella is a pretty pushy dude. and from foreword to chapter one, he has really cornered me into a place wherein the little that I've read so far, has opened me up to realizing that the healing comes after the release, after the things that have been holding you back, after you set those things free and after you have freedom, there's a good chance that you might need to reevaluate what it is that you are in fact free from, because what I deemed as being "Free." and healing was in fact "Freedom from being held so that I can start the process of healing.

Deep uh? All this from a few pages, uh, huh, ALL OF THIS!

Anyway, I've taken the band aid off and now I have to clear up all the icky stuff that has been festering under the band aid. Hey I knew full well that the wound wasn't cleaned when I applied the band aid, I knew that there was some foreign bodies deep with that was going to fester and ultimately did because of the pain that I was feeling, hence the reason why I wasn't healing.

This book will I'm sure be a slow read, because Mr Kirsch, seems to be speaking to me from the pages, and at the same time giving me gifts the first one being a simple word and that word is CHOICE......., yeah CHOICE, he has put choice back in my hands. Wherein I can either, Choose to be fat and unhealthy or choose to be slim and healthy too...... Choose to re program how I think or continue thinking as I have.

Now let me back up, to the fat and unhealthy line, After posting "Rant." and the YouTube pieces that are about "Rant." I'm not talking about people that are heavy and healthy......... My opinion there has not changed. But I am talking about this island, which is ME.... because I'm not healthy and I'm definitely fat and the two combined don't work for me, they both work against me. How can I be healthy when if I bend down on the floor, I can't get up again, without having to give trying to get up my best effort, because my knees hurt from all the extra weighted pressure, how can I be healthy when I breathe heavily and my heart rate accelerates from all the effort that it takes me to get back up again, How can I be healthy when I can't get up without having to hold on and push all of my weight against or on the thing that is supporting me. How can I be healthy when my stomach is so large that I'm at risk for heart disease, as the fat from my stomach pushes up against my heart. Eye opener, compliments of David Kirsch.

My knee gave out a couple of days ago and if it wasn't for the kitchen counter, I would have ended up on the floor. My knees get weak when I have the weight on me. So the weight can only be doing me bodily damage, which isn't what? HEALTHY

So my choices are.

1.Decide to be open or closed to what he, being David Kirsch is trying to get across.
2.Close the book and put it away and try to forget about it.

3.Accept the fact that there is an element to this book where he digs pretty deep.
4.Duke it out with him and let him help me, even if it's painful or I feel like giving up.
5.Face my demons as he calls them. Recognise who and what they represent and how to conquer them one by one
6.Let him lead me knowing that it's me that ultimately has to do the work.
7.Commit to a full 6 weeks.

8. Have fun doing it.

9. And push all my past attempts out and away from me.

10. Unlearn to learn.

I've decided to put myself in his hands and put both of us in God's. Now weight loss is only a small area of my sound mind healing, because there is more to me than my weight, but it's a small pebble with a big rippling effect. I feel good about starting.

Will post again in a week, until then I've got a book to read.

BY THE BOOK

The second of the two books that I ordered ("Sound mind, sound body." by David Kirsch) arrived yesterday and after tearing open packaging, I began my normal routine of flicking through the pages in search of the proverbial magical quick fix and whadda know there aren't any. But what there is a lot of, is the word COMMITMENT jotted on a here and there on the first few pages.....

Anyway as I slowed my reading pace, I began to allow David's words to take a hold and connect to me mentally and I know that I'm in a place where I can and want to at least exercise my mind and my approach to weight loss and exercise.

Browsing quickly through both books, there's something in what Mr Kirsch has to say that has me open to at least dipping my toe in the water. before I take the plunge and completely surrender to doing things his way.

So today went to the store at lunch time and bought myself a new spiral text book which he strongly recommends. Gearing up for a fresh start and new beginning.
Virgin text book pages to the ready, I've committed myself to reading the book from the very first page, which I never do when it comes to weight loss and exercise books. So far I've read the foreword and am now on the introduction.

Brief excerpt from the book, "There is a way to reach the perfect balance of sound mind sound body. The integral elements necessary in attaining a sound mind, sound body require finding the balance among. a) proper workouts, b) nutritious foods, and c) a spiritual and emotional balance that in part relies on the successful completion of (a) and (b)..........."
Makes sense to me, so I'm on this journey with Mr Kirsch to see where it is that he intends to take me.