A FULL LENGHT MIRROR

SOME ME OF BEAUTY

<~~~~ By Carolyn Rodgers.

I didn't realize that my mother's hair was gray,

but one morning,

I took a long look at her and a good long look at myself

in a full lenght mirror

And what I saw,

was not just some soul sista, woman, poetess of the moment,

but what I saw, what I saw, what I saw

looking in a full lenght mirror

caused a spiritual revelation and a root revival,

coming on, coming on, coming on strong.

And I knew right then and there,

that many things were over

and some me of beauty was just about to begin.

FREE

The mask comes off.

This is who I am......... No more hiding.

OK, had to sit and let it sink in that I'm posting a picture of myself on my weight loss Blog. Because I haven't taken any pictures for years and I'm not kidding.

The truth is, whether on Kodak paper or in real life, I spend, correction, spent most of my time feeling totally fat and ugly and how I saw myself and the feelings that came as a result of how I saw myself got worse, when my ex husband, called me a "Big fat slob" in front of his girlfriend. To belittle and degrade me.

Now if beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder, I wasn't able to behold his beauty from that moment on, because as the words left his mouth he suddenly became so ugly looking to me, that I was instantly repulsed by him! But at the same time, in my hurt I couldn't get past what he said, I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt me that way....... After all we once loved each other, shared our lives together and I am the mother of his children, I couldn't get past the shock and as I became filled with emotion his words penetrated so deep inside of me, that a venomous snake bite couldn't have penetrated into me any deeper.

A year later, I still couldn't brush the words from off of me and it made my quest to loose weight harder, because I wanted to BE SLIM to SHOW HIM, Show that I wasn't what and who he said I was, then I'd loose a few pounds gain it back and then some, all the time hearing his words ringing in my ears and the more I digested them the more I started to believe in what he said.

Yeah I know, get over it already, but when you don't feel great about your weight and someone who you once loved attacks you verbally in regards to your insecurity getting over it already is easier said than done.

To say that his words tore into my soul, is an understatement because they did that and more, as each word ripped apart my already low self esteem. Wow I can't believe I'm writing this.

So out of no where, here I am, facing my own demons, challenging myself to deal with issues that make loosing weight a 1000 times harder than it need ever be. After all, how will I know what I want to be when I grow up, if I can't see who I want to be because of the things that make reaching for them near to impossible.

So today! Lets see.......... Losing emotional baggage........ I've taken a pounding verbally during and after the fact, but enough!

So to my ex this is what I want to say........I HATED YOU FOR WHAT YOU SAID TO ME...... YOU HURT ME AND I DESPISED YOU FOR IT. YOU TRIED TO BELITTLE ME AND YOU SUCCEEDED BECAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT TO EVER HEAR THOSE WORDS FROM YOU. I allowed you to deposit those words in my head, heart and soul...... I allowed you to let them live rent free inside of me, to eat away at me as they slowly brain washed me into believing that what you said was true.............. BUT NO MORE!!!!!!!! No more........ NO MORE!

Because today, I know that I am beautiful, heavy or thin, inside and out not because of any reassuring words that anyone has or might have said to me, but because today I choose to say them to myself and you can't take that away from me not any more.

What you meant for harm, I've made a choice to turn to good. That which you wanted to destroy me, as only MADE ME STRONGER! (HUGE SMILE)

You fed me words that made me heavy internally, and I ate more to ease the pain and when I ate your words would ring again in my ears and punish me. You had me frozen, by bruising me with 3 little words, stagnant as you stood empowered because you had hurt me where you knew it would hurt, but now, today, I've made a choice to forgive you for everything you said to me, YES forgive you........

And boy do I intend to feast on forgiving you with a whole heart, because suddenly I realize that to forgive you is so much easier to digest than hate. And as I forgive you, I also realize that I have nothing to prove to you, NOTHING! Nothing at all and now I can finally say that the weight of you is off my back.

So get this, I, YES ME! evict you from my thoughts....... and I'm free! you hear me, I'M FREE...........

Release of tears, that's all for now folks........ that's all....

BLOGGERS INSIGHTS

During the last few days I've been somewhat emotional, partly due to weight gain and the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with feeling like I've failed once again, then feeling even worse because I'm on the binge eat again, chowing down on anything and everything that isn't nailed down. I feel like that tiny mouse on the wheel, treading steps but going absolutely nowhere.

To top it all, I've also had my share of personal drama's which made me feel angry at myself for being angry because I once again allowed myself to be drawn into mess that someone else decided to stick right under my nose. I've cried a lot, and ached a lot, ached when the tears wouldn't come, ached when and because they did, ached when they were wet and circling my nose and ached when they were dry tears getting ready to almost choke me. In short, I've been feeling totally gloomy.

But in the midst of gloom, I found the Blog, Finding Flabuless - Blog and suddenly I feel a lot better than I have, even in regards to food. Yeah I know, it's AMAZING, amazing how you can be totally down for days/weeks at a time, when suddenly a stranger enters your life in the most unexpected way, and whadda know, days/weeks of gloom start to go away.

Now get this......... Right now I'm not, and I repeat NOT on a weight loss diet. I'm going to eat and I might gain, and that's ok......... LAWD have mercy did I say that? laugh, Yeah I did. I did say that. What I am on however is a mentally and emotionally and spiritually self renewal and healing diet. Hmmm. Don't search for it on the web, lol because this diet comes from learning to be ok with myself.

Am I saying that I've given up on loosing weight? No, not at all, in fact loosing weight is as important to me as ever, but unless I shed all the negative thoughts and feelings that I've allowed others and myself to feed to myself, I will never be able to loose the weight and keep it off. Like the book said, it's not what we're eating it's what's eating us that can sometimes cause us to keep on repeating the same patterns that keep us where we are, and i honestly believe that because they are the first things that beat me down, when I say that I have failed.

Like I've posted before I am at times my own worst enemy, my own hindrance but more than that, I've allowed other peoples opinions of me to often times effect my own opinion of myself.

This is a emotional and mental exercise, with physical and spiritual rewards. Because I've been hunched over for so long, that standing straight in a full length mirror, will be a totally physical thing for me to do.

Losing the Baggage! I'm ready to start self healing.

NAKED

Being real with myself is at times one of the hardest things to do, especially when it comes to looking at myself in a full length mirror mentally butt naked exposed. I'd almost liken the nakedness to that of any awkwardness that a heavy person would feel being partially or completely naked in a communal changing room or shower. I want to hide, albeit from myself at times, but there's nowhere to go. I try to cover up the hurt that I feel in regards to my weight, but just like at a spa, my mental towels are no bigger than the complimentary that they hand out to you. And as you accept them, you can't help but wish that they were super dupa beach towel size, instead regular bath towels that against my nakedness look no bigger than a wash cloth.

Everyone knows that a regular bath towel, barely wraps around to both arm pits when your 200 plus pounds of fat. So here I am, my upper peach shaped dimple butt covered, and my lower rhino sized butt and ham hock thighs fully exposed. Middle back and all the wobbly bits that help to make up my middle back hidden, but all my upper rolls exposed, I feel totally naked even with a towel the size of a postage stamp around me and as I cling to my insecurities, I tightly pull the towel snugly to my pits knowing full well that the rest of my frontal area is well and truly exposed. Belly hanging over like a fleshy fig leaf covering my oh I know it's there private parts.

So I'm naked (hypothetically speaking) in front of you and myself as I document my gain, exposing where I've slipped yet again, exposing how a few days of victory seemed to fade as quickly as they came. I am now 228.5 lbs. up from 221.5 a solid 7 lb gain. sigh. And I'm stumped, yes stumped because even though I'm up again because of my own doing. I want to be slim, but what I want keeps butting heads with my worst enemy ME!

It's I who keeps putting road blocks in my way. Me, who feels as though I could move mountains and yet when I turn around, all I've shifted is tiny gains of salt, pour water on it and it disappears, taste it and you know it was there, kind of like the evidence that proves to myself that I had lost 11 lbs. Only now all that remains of that is a memory.

Sounds depressing, at least the last 3 posted entries, but hey I feel depressed and I'm trying to shake it by releasing my feeling. I truthfully felt the benefits of that 7 lb loss that helped to make 11 pounds in total, I felt it when I lost it and I feel it now that I'm carrying it around on me again. In fact I feel heavier, even though I'm technically now 4 pounds lighter than when I first started.

And what's totally crazy is that I don't want it to be up and down, hit or miss, on program or shamefully backsliding off program. Each time I backslide meaning, a full fledged pull away from what I know is good for me, it gets harder and harder to get back to it. To mentally gear up and start over. It's hard to go from limited carbs here, and a whole lot of carbs there. So I have to wonder if I'm carbaholic junkie, hooked, dependant, and completely addicted? Or, am I scared of who I will become once I loose the weight? Which is the bigger of the two and the lesser of two evils. I've proved that I can loose the weight, but then something like 11 lbs sends me to the light of the refrigerator and I'm standing there frozen like a deer caught in the head lights of a on coming car. Frozen with a spoon of Ben and Jerry's in my mouth. And then suddenly it's on. Full continental breakfast, mini snack, brunch, lunch, after lunch snack, pre dinner dinner, then dinner, then snack, then night cap snack.

Scared of my own success? Makes me wonder, makes my already over worked brain question, and suddenly I'm in soul searching mode only it's all cob webby and dusty and stuff because to soul search you have to throw off the postage stamp sized towel and be NAKED, in order to get down and find the answers within your self. If only I could reach a place of saying as Iyanla Vanzant put it that "One day my soul just opened up." wouldn't that be something? Arm's open wide, head thrown back, big smile and a exhaled breath, Naked as a Jay Bird, light and free and happy with my head in the right place to just get this thing done.

I read success and how I failed to succeed stories, about people who battle obesity so by now I know that what I'm experiencing isn't unique, I don't own the copy rights because the market on obesity started and ends with me. But I want my own success story, I want the I conquered Everest feeling, yet instead I have a postage sized towel and thimble full of diluted salt and all I wan to do is to shake myself because time and time and time again, I find myself belly aching about the same I want but I don't have a handle on my weight story.

How can I say, my mind set is...... when with another voice I'm asking or is it? Is loosing weight really the issue or is shedding all the other shit a prerequisite to actually doing it.

Like a college credit, you have to put in the work to get the degree. Now there's food for thought! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr see what I mean, FOOD for thought, FOOD!!!!!!! Not now there's a thought, but it has to be FOOD for thought. Go figure. Guess I have to let out a tiny laugh here. hehehe lol.

Anyway, I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm not going to stop trying. Because there are moment's like the ones I'm going to write about now, that make quitting not even a option.

Take something as simple as getting in and out of my car.

Because I'm fat each and every single time I get into my car, it seems as though I have to practically throw my rump down on the seat just to get in. Picture this, leg in the car, rump plops down before my leg has a chance to touch the carpeting. So as my buttocks lands I end up getting a deep in the crack of my butt wedgie needless to say that whilst I'm about on my travels my right butt cheek is always panti-less. That's getting in, now getting out has it's own story. When I have to get out of the car, since I have to practically roll myself out my belly and right thigh always presses up against the steering wheel turns it to a half movement, causing the safety locking feature on my steering wheel to engage even when I don't want it to. Time to adjust the steering wheel? Hell no!!!!!!!!!! Time to loose the weight!

So there it is. secrets of a fat women, oh geeze there's a title for a new extension to this blog, how freeken frightening is that.? So, In the meantime, let me say that as much as I gripe, belly ache, rant, vent blow off seem, one thing I can say is, that even though I'm a lot fatter than I ever dreamed I would be, I'm still grateful that I have a car to get around in.

Notadumbbell.

SEVEN WHOLE DAYS OF CHA, CHA, CHA

Now why for the Love of God can't I just stop yo-yo-ing when it comes to weight loss?

Why can't all the foods I mindlessly pig out on taste like cream corn, yuck! So that I wouldn't crave foods that are making me fat?

Why is it that from out of nowhere I can hear food calling me by name like something out of the Twilight Zone?

Why is it that one mouth full of my most tempting foods starts the on set of close to being orgasmic moans that I make me want to sink my teeth into the pure pleasure of food, yet when the pleasure is over all too quickly I might add, I end up feeling guilty for enjoying the thrill and abused by food? Abused? Huh, huh, because after the pleasure it turns around and plasters it's self all over my body in the form of globs of unslightly fat. eww!

Orgasmic moans? Ever tried a Krispy Kreme donut? ORGASMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Why, why, why, why, why did I weigh in on Sunday July 8, at 221.5 lbs then step off the scale feeling like little Ms. Hottie to the Left over there, even though we all know that I'm closer to being Ms. Hottie to the right, but not so Hottie hottie, then become big headed enough to think that just because I lost 11 lbs during my first week on the beach, that I could reward myself with a free ticket to eat without conseqence, and PIG THE HELL OUT! as though I were thin and completely healed of my obeseity.

This makes no sense to me, Yeah, I get the part about feeling pretty pleased with myself, afterall 11 lbs down, is some pretty pleasing stuff to be pleased about. But like the Carpenter's song goes, we've (I've) only just begun! And it should have been right up there in the top 10 list of "Girl this is what you need to comprende."

1. Your not on a diet your in a life style change.

2. Just because you loose weight today, does not mean that you can eat like it's gonna go out os style if you don't.

3.) The scale is not ok, is your friend, because it's always going to tell you the truth.

Let me stop at 3.

But me being me, whadda know, yeah you guessed it, the BEAST, called Glutton rose up from my slowly shrinking tummy and I've been chowing down on carbs ever since.

Jesus, I only had 7 days to go before I could slowly re-introduced good carbs into my life. 7 days, and I couldn't hold my horses till July 15th weigh in.

So, here we go again thankful that haven't gained all 11 lbs but disgusted that I've gained a solid 5 to 6. Needless to say the scale dance has once again started, and since I have two scales strategically placed one in front of the other, so it's almost as though I'm dancing the electric slide as I hop on one, walk forward and hop on the other, get off then walk backwards and hop on the other again. Doing the electric slide. And I do this a few times until I finally let it sink in duh, that the numbers aren't going down.

As soon as the truth hits me, it's time to do the cha cha cha. Cha, Cha, Cha for more desparate measures.

So it's clothes on, "oh my God, that can't be right! clothes off........ down .2 cha cha cha, move to the left, cha cha cha, move to the right, cha cha cha and bloody cha! move to the front, move to the back. Bend, move the scale, stand on, toes off, stand off stand on heels off, stand on, lean to the left, lean to the right, hands straight down, hands on hip, cha, cha, cha. Light blub idea coming on time to pee cha cha cha, get off the scale, get back on down .4 cha cha cha, Huh? Huh? cha cha, time to poop, cha cha cha, that's it, my one saving grace, cha cha cha, squeeze my brains out in my best constipated effort cha cha cha and a desperate need to invest in some flax seed? yuckedy cha! Lord it's like a little me trying to break free from the insanity cha cha cha. That should do it, cha cha cha. (you'll be singing it tomorrow. laugh)

Hey someone has to talk about it, because we all know that POOP is a dieter's nightmare when your constipated, and trust me there are all kinds of poop depending on what kind of plan your on, but constipated Pre Poop weigh in's, are the worse and will totally Mess with your head, So being the weight loss diet pro that I am, I've learned by now that if I just sit and wait that poop out, I'll be that much lighter when I'm done. especially when I know that a weight loss of .4 lbs just won't cut it.

Aww patience is a virtue for sure, 1 lb lighter, Horayyyyyyyyy! Yeah, Yeah, Yeah eww how gross, but a brick is a hell of a lot of weight to carry and at 1 lb lighter I ain't gonna lie, I'm happy that I don't feel so heavy!

So ladies and gents, today I weighed at 226.5 on one scale and 225.2 on the other..... Either way it boils down to a SOLID 5 to 6 lb gain. But a whole 1 lbs loss.

So please excuse my French, when I say I'm so tired of this sheeeeeeeeet! No pun intended.

Back on plan tomorrow!

Lord help me when I decide to tell you about the birdie dance!

MY RANT

Rant, I saw this YouTube Clip called "A FAT RANT" and thought I'd add it to my Blog because when you have a weight problem there isn't anything in what she said, that you can't fully understand. So, as I watched it I couldn't' help but think, hmmm girl I hear ya! I hear ya, I hear ya!

Then I listened to the dude's response to what people wrote about what she had to say on YouTube and I thought, dude more power to ya! I hear ya! I hear ya, and yeah your cute!

Then I listened to The Morning Show debate and I thought, YOU GO LADY!!!!!!!!! Good for ya! Rant and let that skinny beetch have it and the skinny dude host too.

Rant! I think at times we all want to. Especially when it comes to peoples prejudice and assumptions when it comes to how they see heavy set people.

RANTTTTTTTTTTTT yeah, I wanna rant, every single time I go into a store to buy something to wear, and it stops being cute at a size 8. Or I can't get a pair of boots to go past my cankles much less over my calf's. Rant because I'm more comfortable in a large Handicap cubical than I am in a small toilet cubical where I can barely turn around to close the door without having my legs pressed up against the commode.

Yes I'm fat, and Yes I want to loose weight, But get this, I don't want to be rail thin, I just want to be in between, where I still have back, (A nice shaped booty) and curves in all the right places. Ok I can always wish.

No, I don't enjoy being fat and being linked to all the words associated with being fat, whether it be Big gal, plus sized, pleasingly plump, thick, full figured, or wow, your a big girl ain't ya! I beg your pardon, who you calling BIG? actually I'm a medium sized girl in a big girls body can't you see? That's my inner child crying, but as you tag me with names like the above to cover my hurt I put a brave face on it and smile.

I don't wear fat well, and I don't feel well wearing excess fat on my body.
Being fat is draining to me, I get tired easily, my joints hurt, I sweat more, snore loudly and the slightest exertion makes me feel as though I'm about to have a heart attack. But that doesn't mean that just because I feel this way, anyone else with a weight problem must too.

I don't feel pretty, desirable, or sexy and being fat doesn't help my self esteem. But that's doesn't mean that someone who is heavy, isn't pretty, dersirable and sexy.

When I feel like being sexy and want to do a strip tease, when I throw my full sized french cut panties at my man, the last thing I want him to even try to think is that my panties are as big as a half slip. Just because they aren't a size 5. Now maybe he doesn't think that way, but lets face it that's what I'm thinking because society makes being heavy bad, so is it impossible that he might not for a spilt second think the same thing too. HMMMMM! Honey, do I look fat to you?
Ok I get it that you love me just the way I am, but dude that wasn't the question.

That being said, since I'm not blind of course I see beautiful fat, pleasingly plump, full figured, thick, plus sized people, women and men who look good heavy. And they carry the weight in a way that I can't, don't and won't ever carry it.

They carry it in a way that reflects just how intact their self esteem is despite being fat. They dress and what they wear compliments their body, they know how to shop for plus sized cloths that flatter their wobbly bits, when the clothes I buy draw attention to all my wobbly bits and all the bits that don't wobble.

Some of them are (and I write that trying not to make it seem like they are creatures from another planet, because if they are, I am too.) But some of them, are physically a lot fitter than I am and a lot of them are a lot heavier than I am. Take Monique, when she danced like Beyonce, I'd like to see me try that, without dripping buckets of sweat and pleading for a mask just so that I can get some oxygen. Sometimes just standing up is a huge production for me or so it feels at times.

When your heavy and comfortable in your skin, you don't lay in bed with your lover and thank gravity for pulling everything back as it slips towards the mattress when your laying on your back. You don't fear trying different positions that might cut off your air way, as he tries to hike your legs up in a position that because your fat seems almost obscene. When your comfortable in your body you don't thank God for the extra thick curtains that you bought that make night seems 10 times darker. So instead of checking you out with his eyes, it's almost as though he has to check you out in brail.

When your comfortable in your own skin, non of the above happens but it does for a fat person who isn't comfortable with being fat, a fat person that is constantly trying to find the cure to their obesity. Trust me when I say that I wish that I were more like them, comfortable in my fat, because it would sure make things a lot easier if I were. God knows I wouldn't have to battle society and then turn around and fight against myself. Do you know how much lighter I would feel if that were the case?

But I ain't gonna lie, a lot of what A Fat Rant talks about, I have experienced because I've been there and am still there even though I'm working really hard to walk away from where there is.

People unfortunately judge a book by it's cover, time and time and time again. Oh course the skinny women has to be healthy, God help the fat person that would ever claim to be, what a lot of bollocks. Size has nothing to do with High blood pressure or cholesterol.

I'm fat but I'm not suffering with either thank God.

I've seen Manuel Uribe Garza the fattest man in the world (pictured above) bed ridden and doing exercises and making it look like water off a ducks back, and I'm God only knows how many hundred of pounds pounds lighter than he is, and tell me to do a few upper body exercises and I end up whining like a freeken baby. Go figure!

End of rant!

DAY SEVEN WEIGH IN

Well, it's weigh in day today, and here's proof that anything you set your mind to acheive you will acheive. Down from 232.5 lbs, I weighed in today at 221.5 lbs a loss of 11 lbs total. WHOAAAA!

My BMI down from 39.9 to 38.0 HUH SMILE.

So, I now have 66.5 lbs to go and I will have reached the 155 goal that I set for myself.

I can do this. I know I can.