SOUTH BEACH

I feel kind of down today and can't seem to shake the feeling.

I notice that I walk around like a little old lady, full of aches and pains, hunched over, and hurting and that trying on cloths is totally misery inducing and of course the misery that I feel in trying on the kind of cloths that once use to flatter me, is worse because they don't flatter me any more.

Wide cloths in extra large sizes don't flatter. Not me anyway, So I don't go shopping and instead stress myself out trying to fit in cloths that don't fit any more and if they do don't look right on me, because I don't look or feel right in them.

Saturday was on of those stressful days, and so fed up I got dressed in a too tight knee length denim skirt which because of my fat belly, butt and thighs looked like a lop sided mini skirt and let me not forget my oh so cute when I was slim "back fat" hugging tee shirt.

I hate to say this, but I feel really ugly and of course fat. Ugly and Fat, Oh my God how awful. I've lost that sparkle in my eyes, and that smile that's totally about being happy. Being fat is robbing me of life. I have no energy, and no interest in doing the simplest of tasks. I've lost interest in how I look, yet I can't pretend that how I look doesn't bother me, because it does, it bothers me a lot. I mean does anyone have any idea how much energy it takes to cross your legs when your fat, that's if you can keep them crossed.

For some reason I keep catching my reflection in the mirror today, oh my God where did I go? and how come there's so much of this person who I've become now. I look at my reflection and I can hardly believe that I'm the person that looks back at me in the mirror, I can hardly recognize myself, I look so different and so old and run down. I don't look like me and I don't want people that I know and haven't seen for a while to bump into me. Hmm that means I'm ashamed of me. Now that's some heavy shit. Oh yeah and I use lots of energy trying to duck and weave so that I won't be spotted. It's crazy how peoples eyes open wide when they see how much weight you've gained. It's like having a huge pimple on your nose, they can't help but focus in on it. But when your fat, your the HUGE PIMPLE.

So past unhappiness, what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do about weight induced snoring, and the pressure that I feel on my heel spurs. What am I going to do about my bulging stomach, swollen ankles, backache, knee joint pain, swollen fingers, dead looking skin and now dry scalp from I guess not drinking enough water. What am I going to do about trynna wipe my behind without it turning into an areobic work out.

A few entries back I mentioned the start of Deal A Meal. Well since I can't find the real cards I stopped using my make shift paper ones. It's an excuse and a pretty lame one at that but at the time, I figured if I didn't make mention of it any more, whoever happens to stop by for a read, won't have noticed that I haven't mentioned not loosing a drop of weight on the program.

Truth is I stopped almost day one, I stopped without really ever getting started.

Yeah, yeah don't beat myself up right? Trust me I'm not trying to do that, but To thy own self be true, and I haven't been.

So since I'm constantly reading weight loss blogs, and message boards, I responded to a weight loss challenge using South Beach. It starts on July 1st, (today) And so June 30th was my last day to chow and gulp down on everything that I wanted to eat and drink.

Aware that it's totally crazy to do so, that didn't stop me, (did you read my previous post?)needless to say I'm food stuffed and at the moment craving water. (salty foods will do that to ya!)

Since the challenge begins July 1st 2007........ With 4th of July right a few days away from the start of a new program, I decided to have my July 4th on the 30th of June, just to get the need to pig out, out of my system. So, pigging out, out of the way, I stopped eating before midnight.

I'll weigh in butt naked in the morning, and post my start weight and measurements. And it will be a South Beach way of eating from this point on, so help me GOD.

What's weird is that although I know I have a little red wagon full of fat to loose, my focus, isn't on the weeks ahead, but on a single day at a time.

I know that unlike other times, I really need to tune myself in mentally to follow through on the changes that I want to make. I've got to almost go into detox and do my own therapy soul searching and healing. I have got to get real.
So, I intend to keep a written paper journal . I there are things that I need to deal with, that would take too much time to work through on here.

I'll take some before pictures which I'll post at some point. and I'll take some in between pictures to help document my progress.

I feel sad...... About me. That's an admitted truth, but I know that I'm not alone because someone out there, has their own weight related "About Me" story, dealing with their own fat and ugliness.

But one things for sure, I don't want to be fat any more.