SOUTH BEACH

I feel kind of down today and can't seem to shake the feeling.

I notice that I walk around like a little old lady, full of aches and pains, hunched over, and hurting and that trying on cloths is totally misery inducing and of course the misery that I feel in trying on the kind of cloths that once use to flatter me, is worse because they don't flatter me any more.

Wide cloths in extra large sizes don't flatter. Not me anyway, So I don't go shopping and instead stress myself out trying to fit in cloths that don't fit any more and if they do don't look right on me, because I don't look or feel right in them.

Saturday was on of those stressful days, and so fed up I got dressed in a too tight knee length denim skirt which because of my fat belly, butt and thighs looked like a lop sided mini skirt and let me not forget my oh so cute when I was slim "back fat" hugging tee shirt.

I hate to say this, but I feel really ugly and of course fat. Ugly and Fat, Oh my God how awful. I've lost that sparkle in my eyes, and that smile that's totally about being happy. Being fat is robbing me of life. I have no energy, and no interest in doing the simplest of tasks. I've lost interest in how I look, yet I can't pretend that how I look doesn't bother me, because it does, it bothers me a lot. I mean does anyone have any idea how much energy it takes to cross your legs when your fat, that's if you can keep them crossed.

For some reason I keep catching my reflection in the mirror today, oh my God where did I go? and how come there's so much of this person who I've become now. I look at my reflection and I can hardly believe that I'm the person that looks back at me in the mirror, I can hardly recognize myself, I look so different and so old and run down. I don't look like me and I don't want people that I know and haven't seen for a while to bump into me. Hmm that means I'm ashamed of me. Now that's some heavy shit. Oh yeah and I use lots of energy trying to duck and weave so that I won't be spotted. It's crazy how peoples eyes open wide when they see how much weight you've gained. It's like having a huge pimple on your nose, they can't help but focus in on it. But when your fat, your the HUGE PIMPLE.

So past unhappiness, what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do about weight induced snoring, and the pressure that I feel on my heel spurs. What am I going to do about my bulging stomach, swollen ankles, backache, knee joint pain, swollen fingers, dead looking skin and now dry scalp from I guess not drinking enough water. What am I going to do about trynna wipe my behind without it turning into an areobic work out.

A few entries back I mentioned the start of Deal A Meal. Well since I can't find the real cards I stopped using my make shift paper ones. It's an excuse and a pretty lame one at that but at the time, I figured if I didn't make mention of it any more, whoever happens to stop by for a read, won't have noticed that I haven't mentioned not loosing a drop of weight on the program.

Truth is I stopped almost day one, I stopped without really ever getting started.

Yeah, yeah don't beat myself up right? Trust me I'm not trying to do that, but To thy own self be true, and I haven't been.

So since I'm constantly reading weight loss blogs, and message boards, I responded to a weight loss challenge using South Beach. It starts on July 1st, (today) And so June 30th was my last day to chow and gulp down on everything that I wanted to eat and drink.

Aware that it's totally crazy to do so, that didn't stop me, (did you read my previous post?)needless to say I'm food stuffed and at the moment craving water. (salty foods will do that to ya!)

Since the challenge begins July 1st 2007........ With 4th of July right a few days away from the start of a new program, I decided to have my July 4th on the 30th of June, just to get the need to pig out, out of my system. So, pigging out, out of the way, I stopped eating before midnight.

I'll weigh in butt naked in the morning, and post my start weight and measurements. And it will be a South Beach way of eating from this point on, so help me GOD.

What's weird is that although I know I have a little red wagon full of fat to loose, my focus, isn't on the weeks ahead, but on a single day at a time.

I know that unlike other times, I really need to tune myself in mentally to follow through on the changes that I want to make. I've got to almost go into detox and do my own therapy soul searching and healing. I have got to get real.
So, I intend to keep a written paper journal . I there are things that I need to deal with, that would take too much time to work through on here.

I'll take some before pictures which I'll post at some point. and I'll take some in between pictures to help document my progress.

I feel sad...... About me. That's an admitted truth, but I know that I'm not alone because someone out there, has their own weight related "About Me" story, dealing with their own fat and ugliness.

But one things for sure, I don't want to be fat any more.

TOTALLY INSANE

Why is it that it cost more money to eat healthy? Well in my case I'll tell you.
I go through this ritual, of wanting things to be just right food wise, so first of all I make sure that I get all the foods that I know I won't be eating for a while, things that I ordinarily don't eat mind you. Pepper ridge farm cookies???????? come on! I until yesterday hadn't eaten any of those in what two years. And it doesn't stop there, I cram my basket with OJ, mixed fruit juices, sodas, ice cream, (the deluxe kind mind you.) chocolates, grummy worms, bagels, hot dog buns, sliced bread, BUTTER! fish fry, huh? huh, huh, you read right, fish fry, to deep fry fish and make home made french fries to go along with it. But it doesn't stop there, let's not forget jam, marmalade, canned baked beans in thick brown sugar, Jumbo eggs, so that I can have MORE EGG from one EGG, how crazy is that sausages, Jimmy Deans, this and Jimmy Deans that. The list goes on and on. and so does my dollars. Can someone say Therapy? Then of course can't have healthy without preparing for the healthy next thing you know, I have every kind of mix of bagged lettuce by Dole. Cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, sweet potatoes, 1% and skimmed milk, half and half, just in case the recipe calls for half and half instead of 1% or skimmed milk.

Bottom line is insanity aside, we all know what we're suppose to do. And it isn't feast because we've talked ourselves into believing that we're about to enter a famine.
Someone please tell me that I'm not the only one that does this.

IT'S A NO BRAINER

Measure, weight, drink my water, eat fruits and plenty of veg. Cut out fried foods, ice cream and sodas. EXERCISE.

LOSE TO GAIN AN INSPIRATION

Sitting here at my computer like I often do in the evenings, it's nothing new for me to take time out to read my favorite blogs.

A few months ago I stumbled on a Blog about "An old promise." Losetogain. Wow, just wow. WOW! There's something totally real and honest and in your face about this guy. And as I sit on my chair, sharing in his happiness on You tube, May 17th 2007 entry, I can't help but feel as though he's dancing for the slim in all of us....... It's a great victory dance.

Take my hand Dustin, I want to be able to dance with you too......

THE STORK CAME TO TOWN

My daughter gave birth on the 13, June 2007 to a beautiful baby boy, weighing in at 8lb 6oz's 21 inches long. And I was blessed to be able to share the whole experience with her, I even got to cut the baby's cord.

Needless to say it's been a busy few days, what with helping the new parents settle into parenthood. I don't remember it been so hard when it was me who was having the baby and adjusting to all the changes that it brought to my life. I don't remember it been so hard with two children. But here I am grand ma, and you'd think it was me who gave birth. I am totally physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted even now. And I feel old.

The part that jumps up at me in that last paragraph is of course the fact that I feel old, much older than I am, and much older than I should be feeling, and I know that weight and lack of exercise don't help. In saying that, I did go to the gym like I said I would in my last post entry. I went despite the rain. I worked out on the bike for 12 minutes, then I did the treadmill for 30 I felt really good about the fact that I worked hard, and I rewarded myself with 3 minutes of steam and then 12 of the dry sauna. I felt so clean and light afterwards that it felt like I had lost 5 lbs. But that was Friday and after that life, and regular eating no gym or home exercise got in the way.

I don't even know what I weigh right now. All I know is that I'm not there yet, it hasn't clicked, I'm not committed and I haven't set my mind to getting it done. Because once I do, life will include that which is important to me. meaning diet and exercise, and I can't say that it does right now. But I will keep giving it what I have until I finally enter the zone.

IT'S ON

Well like I said, it's Deal A Meal and back to the gym time. I started this morning with a peach. (haven't had once of those in a long time) one scrambled egg done in non fat cooking spray, and 3 rashers of pre-cooked bacon. Lunch was a Asian salad from McDonalds, with grilled chicken mandarin oranges and almonds, sprayed with wish bone Italian vinaigrette salad spritzer's. And have drank a lot of water, no soda's or juices. I'm STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not even 4.00 P.M. I also feel light headed somewhat, I have hunger pains, and feel gassy., and I have that I'm missing all the other shit feeling in my mouth.

To top it all it's raining, and you know rain is a huge deterrent when it comes to going to the gym, but my ass is going regardless! Hell I might even take in some steam! Okay, Okay we'll see.

Have a good weekend everyone!

CARDS ON THE TABLE

We all know that being fat doesn't just come from lack of exercise alone and trust me I've been doing a lot of chowing down which proves that fact.

Over the years I can't tell you how many diet's I've tried and how many I've invested in and wished from the moment I had the program in hand, that I hadn't.


Truthfully at times the diets that I tried didn't fail me, I failed because from day one on most of the plans, I knew I would. I'd expect a quick fix with quick results, by now of course I know that those expectations were pretty stupid thinking on my part, hell, I'm a living testimony that quick fixes do not work. Then of course I'd try weight loss plans that outline your meals for you, and knowing that I'm not going to eat or drink soy based food items, cottage cheese, oatmeal and that there is no way I'm going to chow down on barley loaf stuffed with chick peas.
will someone for the Love of God, please tell me why I'd fork out cash on a program that doesn't often you any substitutions?

Now, if I had to say which weight loss programs gave me the most success, I'd have to say, the 1994 version of the Weight Watchers plan was top of the list, LA Weight Loss Centers second and Deal A Meal last but not least coming in at a third. And so if I had to say why I was successful on them, I'd have to be straight up honest and say that the plans worked because I had made up my mind to abide by the rules that's it, plain and simple.

I was enthused and hopeful, something clicked and made sense and I wanted IT, the diet to work, In fact I'd go as far as to say that you couldn't pry me off the programs once I was on it, I was slowly living the before and after existence and as I watched the numbers on the scale go down, the thrill that I got from gradually getting smaller superseded that of wanting to pig out or cheat.

Suddenly I didn't mind the taste of lettuce, I mentally placed my thoughts towards food, in the zone where there were no thoughts about food. It was one exchange for another and on the 3 programs each paid off.

But, a diet only traps the beast, and once it escapes which you know it will, all food breaks loose and it's on along with the pounds you lost plus some. No, diets don't work, but they can make you think they do, just like quick fixes. What works is mentally changing your way of thinking towards food and making those changes fit a new life style. Where instead of having a relationship with food, you start to have a relationship with yourself.

Like the title of the book says, He's just not into you, well Food just isn't into you either, you can't live to eat, you have to eat to live, and if I'm honest, that was the difference that made the weight loss possible every time I lost large amounts of weight, I got that, but what I failed to get was a handle on my emotions, the golden key that releases the beast from it's place of imprisonment within me.

Since joining Weight Watchers back in '94, I can't remember how many times I've rejoined since, or for that matter how many variations of the plan I've tried to follow each time I did. But I do know that I've rejoined LA Weight Loss Centers a total of 3 times that isn't a easy chunk of change to throw away on a whim. Especially when your not rich by any means and living pay check to pay check.

Deal A Meal hmm, I invested in that program a total of 3 times, twice with the cards and once with the Food Move Over gadget that replaced the cards.

I'd laugh but it's not funny, when I think about it seriously, all it proves is that I'm constantly searching for a quick fix to make loosing weight easy and a no brainer. Who am I kidding? Weight loss isn't easy, if it were we wouldn't be blogging about it, because we'd all have a handle on our struggles.

So, since I've vented, what plan am I going to follow this time? Well, it's got to be the tried and tested no quick fixes you put in what you get out one of the three. I've thought about bringing my behind back to Weight Watchers, but I don't want to put another red dime on the counter especially knowing that I'm already struggling to get my behind to the gym as it is, without adding additional pressure to attend weekly meetings. I can't afford to do L.A Weight Loss Centers, that plus I can't eat another supplement or consume large amounts of protein, my mind is totally not in that zone any more. So, Deal A Meal wins. Can you see Richard Simmons tearing up? Just like the other plans, I know Deal A Meal well, I know it works, I know it allows me the freedom to eat real foods, and that when those cards tally at the end of the day, there is no reason why I should be eating.

So starting tomorrow, it's on, I'm dealing my way to better health, God help me.