REFLECTIONS

I just weighed myself, before peeing and pooping and 233 lbs was the number that registered on the scale, which of course resulted in instant panic. I don't however know why I'm really all that shocked, after all I know that I'm not officially on a weight loss program and that I'm eating whatever I want, when I want it. But even so, I'm 1 lb away from being at my heaviest weight once again and God forbid could even past that at the rate that I'm going.

I'm still reading the book, but would you believe have only just gotten to chapter three told you it would be a slow read, because it's a deliberate slow read. I'm answering all the exercises as recommended and my shopping list is almost complete, minus new sneakers and work out cloths, which I'll buy in the next couple of weeks.

But I've purchased all that I need to get started, exercise mat, ankle weights, dumb bells, medicine balls, stability ball. exercise tube and a skipping rope and all of that added to things I already owned means that I'm pretty much set. Minus the sneakers clothes, and bench. (I want a bench for Christmas.)

Now get this, I want to start working out....... uh, uh, it's true and last night I started using the tubes, but got put off because I was butt naked and looking in the mirror as I tried my exercise tubes. Folks please don't try this at home if you have a weight problem and your body looks anything like mine, because it's the most disheartening thing that you will ever feel. I mean there I am working the above and all I can see is the work ahead of me as I enter brain wash mode and mantra my way into inwardly saying to myself that what I'm doing isn't going to work. So it's clothes on folks, because that kind of brain washing I can do without.

Anyway regardless of how I look now, I'm going to continue with the plan. Like I've said I'm reading chapter three of the book, which consists of 111 pages. It will be in this chapter that I'll do the most work. During this chapter that I will learn proper form and start working out. For once, exercise before focusing on food intake. With me it's normally the other way around. So this should be interesting.

I'm still focused on my September 16 start date for the food aspect of the program because like I said my cholesterol check won't be until the 13th and I want to be able to compare my levels six weeks from then as he recommends. It's a different journey for me, it's new, it's focused it's deliberate and apart from exercising in the buff and the numbers on the scales today's weigh in, I feel pretty good.

As a result of today weight, I've decided not to weigh again until the 16, because I don't want to get derailed by the numbers on the scale. Because now that I think about it, Kirsch hasn't said weigh yourself, at least not yet and so I'm thinking that there must be a reason for it, considering he is more interested in the reader getting a cholesterol check. So I'm going to put the scales away as soon as I'm done here.

HIS WAY

I've being working really hard at prepping myself for my six week commitment to follow David Kirsch's plan. Dotting all my I's and crossing all my T's I've devoted the last few days to slowly reading his book and completing all of the written exercises, and I'm proud of myself for mentally gearing up to the challenge ahead of me, instead of rushing ahead to follow a plan without really knowing what it's really all about.
Part of the preparation involves getting my LDL and HDL cholesterol checked, So, I've made an appointment to have both checked on September 13th and I will officially start the program on the 16th, almost 4 whole weeks away.

In the meantime I'm going through with everything Kirsch recommends. I'm using my note book to jot down my feelings in regards how I feel about the program as well as answering the questions that he asks and following things he recommends.

I've started to purchase, the basic "please have if possible." pieces of equipment for my make shift home gym, things like 2 lbs dumb bells and medicine balls, following his recommendation to start light and work your way up, I can handle that. I know that even with 2 lb weights lack of activity is going to make it feel like 50.

I have yet to invest in a exercise mat, 5 lb ankle weights, new work out clothes, and new sneakers. Now, I know that I don't have to follow the program to extremes, by getting all the please have if possible things, but I've always approached weight loss and exercise half heartedly, meaning I would buy a book, and skip over all the introductory pages and focus on what I felt was most important. Or I'd buy a work out dvd and watch the style with which the warm up was done and then decide naw it's not for me.

Or I'd fork over lots of money for a program and have the representative tell me how it works, after I parted with the money, only to discover that it is another nutritionally based supplement diet. So, since I've never really committed my all 100%, this time around I've decided to shift gears, to stop doing what I've always done in order not to end up with what I've always got.

This time, I'm taking it all in, and positioning myself for the new start that he talks about, new mind set, new openness, no goals, new focus, new commitment, new out look, new way of thinking , new work out clothes, new sneakers, new pieces of exercise equipment. New makes sense to me. It makes sense that by placing myself back into old molds there results will more than likely be the same. Yeah I could wear my old fuddy duddy faded, dis-shaped, tee shirts, and my cheap sneakers that aren't comfortable, set myself up for possible failure, but I do want to change all of that, I want to feel good about what I'm doing, and if new work out clothes can help to improve my state of mind, I'm all for it.

FOOD
Now here's the big one, the CRUNCH, the proof of the pudding, which willing surely be in the eating Crunch. Lawd have mercy, Kirsch wants the reader to clean house, as in where you house your food. Yeah, Clean, as in OUT! all white foods, such as flour, pasta, sugar, rice, bread, and all processed can and frozen fruit and veggies, in fact he gives you a list. GULP! Now folks, not for nothing, but I want to do this program, his way and not mine. I want to do it right so, if I'm in for a penny shouldn't I be in for a pound too?

So why is it that I am having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around this one. I mean I almost broke into a cold sweat when I read his instructions. throw out, as in OUT, OUT? uh uh, throw, bung, toss, discard, just get rid of it baby girl.

And this is my rational as to why I can't.


1. People are dying of hunger all over the world. So I can't, it wouldn't be right.
2. My boyfriend needs it.
3. What if I have guests and don't have any canned veggies? (I never have guests, duh)
4. Real food is too expensive.
5. My pantry will be empty.
6. I can't do that,
7. Is he crazy?
8. Let me read that part again.
9. Maybe I can switch this part of the program up with someone else's program.
10. Girl what's so hard? Why can't you do this?

Using my boyfriend as an excuse, is just that a really bad excuse. He doesn't care if the pasta is whole wheat or not, and he doesn't care if the veggies are fresh or frozen, in fact he'd appreciate the fresh veggies more. So what's the big deal, really?

THINKING

Well, if it's not in the house I can't eat it and my emotional security blankey will be gone, that's it in a nut shell. I'm an emotional eater and food represents emotional security, and without food to cushion my moods I will have to find something else.

With this one aspect of the program, I find myself fighting to win, knowing that this is a no win situation, after all, it's either want it as much as I say I do or I'm kidding myself into thinking that I do, when in fact I don't.

It's got to be either all or nothing, because it can't be both. I can't expect results, if I'm going to tell the teacher that, although his way is tested and proved I've decided to do my way with the option to blame him and his program if and when my way doesn't work........

Bottom line, I'm gonna do it his way, because my way sure won't work.

SOUND MIND

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

Personalized

“MY deepest fear is not that I AM inadequate. MY deepest fear is that I AM powerful beyond measure. It is MY light, not MY darkness that most frightens ME. I ask MYSELF, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who AM I not to be? I AM a child of God. MY playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around ME. I AM meant to shine, as children do. I WAS born to make manifest the glory of God that is within ME. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as I let MY own light shine, I unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As I AM liberated from MY own fear, MY presence automatically liberates others.”

I've always loved these words by Marianne Williamson, I guess because when I remove the generalization and turn the word our into my, there is a huge amount of truth that comes to life for me. So when I found the words as quoted in David Kirsch's book, although from the voice of Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural address, it was a very unexpected find, not because the words of Marianne Williamson don't belong in this kind of book, but because the foundation on which the words were placed being that of fitness, nutrition and more importantly a sound mind fits like a square peg to a square hole. In fact I'd go as far as to say that the words speak louder to me now than the words did prior to reading them in his book. They somehow confirm the fact that everything, how I think, how I see myself, how I want to be, and where I want to be, depends largely on how I confront my disappointments and failures, and build on and towards my hopes and dreams, I have to come together so that it all comes together, it all has to balance so that one aspect of my life, i.e. "fear." doesn't tip the balance of all the others.

In order for me to succeed at the very things that I say I want in my life, I have to realize that the negative brain washing must stop so that the positive mantras can root from the seeds and ulitimately flourish. To be able to saythat my greatest fear is that not I am inadequate, but more that I have the ability to be and therefore am powerful beyond measure is to mantra my way to success. I have to apply positive affirmations and live my life with the kind of conviction and drive that is needed in order to go after the things that I say I want as though my life depended on it.

Truthfully now that I am taking time to really think about the exercises that I've started as instructed by this book, as I put my issues on the table, I realize that very little about me is in balance and that most of my feelings of inadequacies are self made or inflicted by others because I've allow myself to become an open target to my own words, and words like those of my ex, words which knocked me off balance, bruise an already low self esteem, cause me to lack confidence and to doubt my own abilities, words that constantly taunted and ate away at me.

Yet I can't help but look in the mirror and ask the me that is reflected, what if? What if my self esteem and self confidence where in tact, wouldn't I have more than likely brushed the hurt off, instead of carrying it deep within me. Isn't the truth of the matter that, the words hurt because in all honesty how he perceived me is in fact how I perceived myself.

So looking at me, in that mirror looking myself straight in the eyes, my first mantra is birth, People can only drag you all over the place if you aren't steady on your feet, but they can't lead you if you don't choose to follow.

And it is clear to me now that if I hadn't follow his lead by allowing him to later drag me to where I didn't want to be mentally and emotionally, who knows, where I might have being today. I use my ex as an example, but it hasn't just been him or that kind of situation, it's been many things, from being over looked by guys amongst my slimmer friends when we've hung out together, because I'm the one that is heavy. to being told that I've tried at business and only real business people have the potential to succeed.

******************

A post or two ago, I mentioned that I didn't want to address the question that Kirsch asked, in the first few pages of his book, which was "are you hiding behind your weight?" and other than to admit that yeah at times I think I am, I just didn't want to touch on the subject past that, of for that matter open myself up to what he was in fact getting at by asking that question. Naw, I was perfectly content to rest in the fact that I was feeling free of the proverbial monkey that I had been carrying on my back, by coming to terms with the hurt that I carried around within me because of words my ex said to me.

That "freedom" was in my mind healing and I fully intended to chill out with where I was in that freedom, and not hurry to deal with a lot of other things, but this Kirsch fella is a pretty pushy dude. and from foreword to chapter one, he has really cornered me into a place wherein the little that I've read so far, has opened me up to realizing that the healing comes after the release, after the things that have been holding you back, after you set those things free and after you have freedom, there's a good chance that you might need to reevaluate what it is that you are in fact free from, because what I deemed as being "Free." and healing was in fact "Freedom from being held so that I can start the process of healing.

Deep uh? All this from a few pages, uh, huh, ALL OF THIS!

Anyway, I've taken the band aid off and now I have to clear up all the icky stuff that has been festering under the band aid. Hey I knew full well that the wound wasn't cleaned when I applied the band aid, I knew that there was some foreign bodies deep with that was going to fester and ultimately did because of the pain that I was feeling, hence the reason why I wasn't healing.

This book will I'm sure be a slow read, because Mr Kirsch, seems to be speaking to me from the pages, and at the same time giving me gifts the first one being a simple word and that word is CHOICE......., yeah CHOICE, he has put choice back in my hands. Wherein I can either, Choose to be fat and unhealthy or choose to be slim and healthy too...... Choose to re program how I think or continue thinking as I have.

Now let me back up, to the fat and unhealthy line, After posting "Rant." and the YouTube pieces that are about "Rant." I'm not talking about people that are heavy and healthy......... My opinion there has not changed. But I am talking about this island, which is ME.... because I'm not healthy and I'm definitely fat and the two combined don't work for me, they both work against me. How can I be healthy when if I bend down on the floor, I can't get up again, without having to give trying to get up my best effort, because my knees hurt from all the extra weighted pressure, how can I be healthy when I breathe heavily and my heart rate accelerates from all the effort that it takes me to get back up again, How can I be healthy when I can't get up without having to hold on and push all of my weight against or on the thing that is supporting me. How can I be healthy when my stomach is so large that I'm at risk for heart disease, as the fat from my stomach pushes up against my heart. Eye opener, compliments of David Kirsch.

My knee gave out a couple of days ago and if it wasn't for the kitchen counter, I would have ended up on the floor. My knees get weak when I have the weight on me. So the weight can only be doing me bodily damage, which isn't what? HEALTHY

So my choices are.

1.Decide to be open or closed to what he, being David Kirsch is trying to get across.
2.Close the book and put it away and try to forget about it.

3.Accept the fact that there is an element to this book where he digs pretty deep.
4.Duke it out with him and let him help me, even if it's painful or I feel like giving up.
5.Face my demons as he calls them. Recognise who and what they represent and how to conquer them one by one
6.Let him lead me knowing that it's me that ultimately has to do the work.
7.Commit to a full 6 weeks.

8. Have fun doing it.

9. And push all my past attempts out and away from me.

10. Unlearn to learn.

I've decided to put myself in his hands and put both of us in God's. Now weight loss is only a small area of my sound mind healing, because there is more to me than my weight, but it's a small pebble with a big rippling effect. I feel good about starting.

Will post again in a week, until then I've got a book to read.

BY THE BOOK

The second of the two books that I ordered ("Sound mind, sound body." by David Kirsch) arrived yesterday and after tearing open packaging, I began my normal routine of flicking through the pages in search of the proverbial magical quick fix and whadda know there aren't any. But what there is a lot of, is the word COMMITMENT jotted on a here and there on the first few pages.....

Anyway as I slowed my reading pace, I began to allow David's words to take a hold and connect to me mentally and I know that I'm in a place where I can and want to at least exercise my mind and my approach to weight loss and exercise.

Browsing quickly through both books, there's something in what Mr Kirsch has to say that has me open to at least dipping my toe in the water. before I take the plunge and completely surrender to doing things his way.

So today went to the store at lunch time and bought myself a new spiral text book which he strongly recommends. Gearing up for a fresh start and new beginning.
Virgin text book pages to the ready, I've committed myself to reading the book from the very first page, which I never do when it comes to weight loss and exercise books. So far I've read the foreword and am now on the introduction.

Brief excerpt from the book, "There is a way to reach the perfect balance of sound mind sound body. The integral elements necessary in attaining a sound mind, sound body require finding the balance among. a) proper workouts, b) nutritious foods, and c) a spiritual and emotional balance that in part relies on the successful completion of (a) and (b)..........."
Makes sense to me, so I'm on this journey with Mr Kirsch to see where it is that he intends to take me.

PEELING OFF THE LAYERS

Peeling off the layers. Hmmm, so I'm not following a weight loss plan, not exercising, not doing much of anything truth be told and whilst I'm fully aware that I haven't surrendered to a way of life wherein I accept being heavy, right now I need the Rest and Relaxation that comes from not focusing on either for a while. Hell I'm all burnt out from the yo yo roller coaster years of not getting weight loss quite right. I will admit though that it's pretty weird to be this laid back about not having weight loss and exercise, listed as a part of my top 5 priorities.

Suddenly, I have way too much time on my hands and way too much unoccupied thought space in my mind. So much in fact that this evening to my surprise I feel extremely bored even though I've been watching t.v, reading, browsing the net and chatting on the phone

Of course this down time can't continue, indefinitely, naw there is no way I can just sit back as I veg and eat my way to a bigger me, I mean how could gaining weight ever be truly ok with me?

Anyway, after a long and boring work day, on the drive home and sang along to my new gospel CD by The Barrett sisters, and I felt every lyric until my body quickened because the words were so touching. It's the kind of singing that really gets a hold of you in an old time gospel kind of way...... I choked up and cried a few tears as I thought about my sister in law who died a few years back...... when she my sister and I started our own gospel singing group all those many moons ago. Then I stopped at Publix's bought a chicken, some canned carrots, cheapo orange soda, jimmy deans sausage, shredded cheese and a cadbury's flake........... yum.... I ate the flake in the car, got home checked the mail box, hoping that one or two of the books that I had ordered from EBay would be in it waiting for me.

One of the books arrived, although it wasn't the phone that I wanted to arrive the most. Anyway, I'm now the proud owner of yet another weight loss book with a DVD insert. With another book by the same author on it's way. See that's what happens when your still searching for the quick fix, only this time I was encouraged to purchase the book by a friend that has been using the methods religiously and who is excited about the fact that she's living testament to the fact that the methods work.........

So I bought the book, with ok, work for me, me, me, excitement, only to realize that there is no way that a big gal like me could do the exercises illustrated without doing myself a major injury because I'm not physically, or for that matter even close to being physically fit, not even when it comes to following the pre-program section of the book. How so? Well I can't do a push up to save my life because I although I might be able to push down thanks to gravity, there is no way I can lift the weight of me back up again. Not without breaking both elbows anyway.

But flicking through the pages before it gets put in the stack where weight loss books go to die, The Ultimate New York Body Plan, by David Kirsch, is I'm glad to say more than just a book about losing rapid amounts of weight with diet and vigorous exercise.

I mean I love the recipes which are all doable for me, realizing almost immediately that I could get into the kind of food he recommends on program and not feel like I'm on a starvation diet when it comes to good food and taste. I mean I could get down with sesame chicken fingers, roasted red pepper frittata's Middle Eastern Chicken Kabob, or Mediterranean chicken stir fry, yeah even me a finicky eater could get down with all of that.

Even the 2 to 5 lbs dumbbells, stability ball (once I get my balance that is) and medicine ball are all totally doable pieces to include in exercise. Even for a big gal, but it's the pace and types of exercise that I definitely have a problem with. I just wouldn't be able to trust a stability ball to remain stable as I do sit up on it at my weight. It's a case of can the plastic garden chairs hold your weight or will the legs start to collapse as you sit your behind down on it.

But what I love most about the book so far is that Mr Kirsch, gives you things to really think about, for example, He tells you to "Become comfortable with failure......... " uh? and he goes on to explain what he means, and how to do exactly that..... And whadda know, it totally makes sense.

H also goes on to ask, if your (I'm) hiding behind my weight...... Well Mr. Kirsch since you asked. At times I think I am, But more about that later, because it would be like peeling off another layer from a onion with an high risk of getting all emotional and stuff to post about it now...... When right now, being "FREE" as I posted not too long ago is enough for me right now and I know that I kind of want to wear it for a while before I get into something else that might be just deep.

But as I chill out and just do nothing, one of the things that I am aware of is that I really need to find and focus on a weight loss program that I want to start/begin a new with. only thing is I'm not sure what that program that will be yet. But as soon as I figure it out, I'll let you in on it. I promise.

A FULL LENGHT MIRROR

SOME ME OF BEAUTY

<~~~~ By Carolyn Rodgers.

I didn't realize that my mother's hair was gray,

but one morning,

I took a long look at her and a good long look at myself

in a full lenght mirror

And what I saw,

was not just some soul sista, woman, poetess of the moment,

but what I saw, what I saw, what I saw

looking in a full lenght mirror

caused a spiritual revelation and a root revival,

coming on, coming on, coming on strong.

And I knew right then and there,

that many things were over

and some me of beauty was just about to begin.

FREE

The mask comes off.

This is who I am......... No more hiding.

OK, had to sit and let it sink in that I'm posting a picture of myself on my weight loss Blog. Because I haven't taken any pictures for years and I'm not kidding.

The truth is, whether on Kodak paper or in real life, I spend, correction, spent most of my time feeling totally fat and ugly and how I saw myself and the feelings that came as a result of how I saw myself got worse, when my ex husband, called me a "Big fat slob" in front of his girlfriend. To belittle and degrade me.

Now if beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder, I wasn't able to behold his beauty from that moment on, because as the words left his mouth he suddenly became so ugly looking to me, that I was instantly repulsed by him! But at the same time, in my hurt I couldn't get past what he said, I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt me that way....... After all we once loved each other, shared our lives together and I am the mother of his children, I couldn't get past the shock and as I became filled with emotion his words penetrated so deep inside of me, that a venomous snake bite couldn't have penetrated into me any deeper.

A year later, I still couldn't brush the words from off of me and it made my quest to loose weight harder, because I wanted to BE SLIM to SHOW HIM, Show that I wasn't what and who he said I was, then I'd loose a few pounds gain it back and then some, all the time hearing his words ringing in my ears and the more I digested them the more I started to believe in what he said.

Yeah I know, get over it already, but when you don't feel great about your weight and someone who you once loved attacks you verbally in regards to your insecurity getting over it already is easier said than done.

To say that his words tore into my soul, is an understatement because they did that and more, as each word ripped apart my already low self esteem. Wow I can't believe I'm writing this.

So out of no where, here I am, facing my own demons, challenging myself to deal with issues that make loosing weight a 1000 times harder than it need ever be. After all, how will I know what I want to be when I grow up, if I can't see who I want to be because of the things that make reaching for them near to impossible.

So today! Lets see.......... Losing emotional baggage........ I've taken a pounding verbally during and after the fact, but enough!

So to my ex this is what I want to say........I HATED YOU FOR WHAT YOU SAID TO ME...... YOU HURT ME AND I DESPISED YOU FOR IT. YOU TRIED TO BELITTLE ME AND YOU SUCCEEDED BECAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT TO EVER HEAR THOSE WORDS FROM YOU. I allowed you to deposit those words in my head, heart and soul...... I allowed you to let them live rent free inside of me, to eat away at me as they slowly brain washed me into believing that what you said was true.............. BUT NO MORE!!!!!!!! No more........ NO MORE!

Because today, I know that I am beautiful, heavy or thin, inside and out not because of any reassuring words that anyone has or might have said to me, but because today I choose to say them to myself and you can't take that away from me not any more.

What you meant for harm, I've made a choice to turn to good. That which you wanted to destroy me, as only MADE ME STRONGER! (HUGE SMILE)

You fed me words that made me heavy internally, and I ate more to ease the pain and when I ate your words would ring again in my ears and punish me. You had me frozen, by bruising me with 3 little words, stagnant as you stood empowered because you had hurt me where you knew it would hurt, but now, today, I've made a choice to forgive you for everything you said to me, YES forgive you........

And boy do I intend to feast on forgiving you with a whole heart, because suddenly I realize that to forgive you is so much easier to digest than hate. And as I forgive you, I also realize that I have nothing to prove to you, NOTHING! Nothing at all and now I can finally say that the weight of you is off my back.

So get this, I, YES ME! evict you from my thoughts....... and I'm free! you hear me, I'M FREE...........

Release of tears, that's all for now folks........ that's all....